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A Life of Convenience or Integrity

Dear Yeti,
I converted to Islam in my teenage years. I had previously been for the most part just "spiritual". I think I was sort of driven to religion by a bunch of colliding pressures in my life at the time, it made sense, Islam seemed to provide a practical solution to all lifes questions. Long story short, I have recently abandoned my religious notions, for a number of reasons... but basically the whole thing has just become counter intuitive. However, for the time being, except for a few close relatives, I am basically a closet case kaffir (disbeliever). In my personal life and world view I have largely adopted a sort of "humanist" view of things. Unfortunately I have really basically structured my life around Islam and it would seem quite impractical to break all of my social relations etc., as would be necessary, indeed required, if I were to unearth and reveal my recent revelations to the world. To make matters worse, I am actually scheduled to enter into a traditional, Islamically arranged marriage (my second on actually, the first didn't really work out). I am really kind of stuck trying to figure out what to do here... sacrifice my marriage, social life, possibly career opportunities, etc. and come out of the closet, or to bite my tongue, conform to the external requirements of the faith, and sacrifice my own integrity for the sake of convenience?

Any suggestions?
Kurtis Kaffir

Dear KK,

It doesn’t seem like you are at all confused about your situation, only what to do about it. At the risk of sounding dramatic, K.K. you’re at one of life’s big crossroads. How you choose to proceed will impact your life in a non-reversible way. Let’s extrapolate your idea of Integrity vs. Convenience.

How important is the actual faith part of living in an Islamic society? Islam means and requires a total submission and dedication to one god. Its followers are required to follow the teaching and guidance mentioned in the Holy Quran. Maybe the most prudent fact is that Islam offers a complete way of living. If followed in full faith, it promises to bring a total and fulfilling life of peace and brotherhood in this world. This of course means little to you because you are a self described Kaffir and have no faith.

This yeti is not an expert on Islam, but a ‘kaffir” as I understand it, is someone who knows Islam and rejects it openly. So not every non-believer is a kaffir, but every kaffir is a non-believer. A better translation of kaffir would be disbeliever, instead of non-believer. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter; what does matter is this crisis of faith you’re experiencing and its subsequent ethical dilemma, a life of convenience or a life of integrity.

I question your whole argument here because I see a great deal of “integrity” in the Islamic religion and I see very little “convenience” in going through the motions living as a closeted kaffir. Living life by the laws laid out in the Quran hardly seems convenient to me; praying 5 times a day alone should be a deal breaker for those without faith.

I think this convenience you speak of is the simplicity of continuing your life as planned and not shaking things up with your family and friends. Which brings me to my next point. Where does religion end and culture begin? Can you carry on your life as you did in the past while experiencing a crisis of faith? I believe that you can. There are no rewards for having more faith, and as such you should not be penalized when your faith is at a low point (or non-existent in your case.) By the same token you should be able to question the validity of practices in your religion or culture. I’m speaking of course about your arranged marriage. I think this is the main subject when you speak of convenience or integrity and it has nothing to do with your faith and everything to do with your culture. If it didn’t work before, it’s unlikely to be wedded bliss the second time around.

Some major proponents of organized religion feel that it’s out dated and some even are even convinced that it’s just some archaic way to control the poor. Even if all that is true, most religions are focused on humanity, kindness, charity and all that is good in the human spirit. Let me share with you a story which might illustrate this idea better.

When I was 10 years old my father and I were driving home on a Sunday (not from church; we are not a devoutly religious family), and we passed a broken down car on the side of the road. My father stopped to help the woman and her young son with their car and agreed to drive them into town so they could call a mechanic. After my father inquired about their situation the woman promptly informed us that she was driving to Washington D.C. to speak to the president about how her husband was poisoning her food. What was my father to do in this situation? This woman was clearly having mental problems and was likely endangering her child. So he called the only people who could take in a person in need on a Sunday afternoon, which was the local home for troubled women which was supported by the Catholic church. They took her in gave her and her son shelter and help.

Bottom line: organized religion does get a bad rap in this age of technology, but churches, mosques, and temples all provide physical landmarks to the generosity and kindness that exists in our global society. All major religions be it Islam, Christianity, Buddhism , Judaism, etc.. are all focused on dignity and the brotherhood of man. It’s ok to reject literal interpretations of the ancient scripture if you feel them outdated. Theologians from all faiths are known to discredit dogma when they contradict personal value systems in their own lives. Let’s not make organized religion the boogie man here. Let’s dig deeper.

Author C.S. Lewis has a very interesting window on faith. On the one hand, he couldn’t very well deny the importance of faith because it has been a core component of religion. At the same time, however, his overall goal was to provide a rational explanation that justified acceptance of a higher being on intellectual grounds. This would make faith superfluous. It’s sort of complex but in short, your faith has evolved into what it is today: a strong belief in non-belief. However, faith continues to evolve in many directions. Faith is deeply personal. To answer you honestly, I don’t know what you should do. Only that the answer lies inside of you and it should not be a decision made quickly.

A Yeti

Jun 14, 2014A Yeti
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Comments: 8
  1. eman
    2 years ago

    look, you realy impressed me , i am a muslim my self from birth and from an islamic forighn , islam for me is like a habbit more than a believe , i think that you are very fortunate in my opinion because you looked for the trueth and looked hard and then you found it by effort and this would make it something preciouse for you that you can’t forget it.

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  2. Hannan A. Khan
    2 years ago

    Dear Kurtis,
    I am a born Muslim from an Islamic Republic (Pakistan). My friend never call yourself a kaffir until u r a Muslim—I am not a very practicing Muslim but I would like to say something here. Kurtis, I respect you for the fact that your degree in Islam is higher than us since you are among the ones who have searched for the enlightenment whereas we were among the ones who were granted with it. The state you are going through right now is a row between materialistic desire and spiritual dignity. As far as your “pendulum condition” is concerned brother tell me what is wrong in getting married the religious way? Islam teaches us to live our lives with simplicity. What carries more significance in a marriage is the bond between two souls. I am from a country where (for the sake of estimation) about 75% of marriages are “arranged” i.e. with the liking of parents but it is the Islamic society where the divorce ratio is least for the fact that Islam has given us clear guidance about marriages and spouse’s rights. I was surprised that u said u would have to give up ur social relationships. Brother, there are no social relationships that are banned in Islam except for pre, post and extra-marital affairs and u know because that’s because Islam values ethics. Boy, trust me you r on the right path and the state you are going through right now is natural but stand firm and you will come out with your head up. And I would recommend you to consult some Islamic scholar to guide you better.

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  3. Hannan A. Khan
    2 years ago

    Yeti people!
    Kindly remove this advertisement of Deen-e-Elahi. This is not a religion but a so-called sect of people who call themselves Muslims. This sect is controversial and is known for misleading people. This aint no preist Gohar Shahi but a controversial figure claiming prophethood.
    Can u believe he says his face appeared on moon in 21st century. Beware truth seekers!

    ReplyCancel
  4. Touqeer
    2 years ago

    Dear brother in Islam,

    As-salaam o aliakum. I suggest to recite the and understand the Quran’s Surah Al-Asar (Surah No. 103): I am sure you will get relief and will strength it will help you to decide the best.
    May Allah guide us all to the right path. Aameen.

    ReplyCancel
  5. Atif
    2 years ago

    Hi Kurtis,

    You converted to Islam because it provided practical answer to all questions in life. surely you had some questions and when you found a source that can answer them all in practically doable manner, the source that is a complete code of life; you went fof it. You recited the Holy Kalma and became a muslim. You became a muslim with firm belief that Allah is the only One you would pray to and in return He is the One who will help and guide you through hard times. This my friend is faith. You can define faith in many ways but this can be the simplest one. Islam revolves around your faith: keep It, don’t let it shake. If Islam, the code of life, worked for you once it will work again. If it offered answeres to your questions once it will answer again. Just keep focused and have faith in Allah, you will shine.
    May Allah be with you and bless you.

    ReplyCancel
  6. Ana
    1 year ago

    In Islam no one can force you to marry someone. May be you should not mix up Islam with tradition. In Islam if you don’t want to marry someone you are not obliged to.
    May be you have to deal with your tradition, not Islam.

    ReplyCancel
  7. dapurku-123
    1 year ago

    as-salaam alaikum….you should be more intensive understand al quran and dialogue with your local scholars to enlighten yourself ….

    ReplyCancel
  8. aks
    1 year ago

    Dear brother in Islam, As-salaam o aliakum. I suggest to recite the and understand the Quran’s Surah Al-Asar (Surah No. 103): I am sure you will get relief and will strength it will help you to decide the best. May Allah guide us all to the right path. Aameen. – See more at: http://askayeti.com/384/#sthash.8hb6klR4.dpuf

    ReplyCancel
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