Dear Yeti,

A few days ago my 14 year old son left a note in my room. In this note it stated ”im sorry mom but i am gay and i dont like girls” and i lost it. I cried for hours til he got home from school. I thought it was a joke from my older son. For close to 3 years the older son teased him about being gay and i told him to stop the name calling,i hated it too. My older son texted me he didnt write any note. When my 14 year old got home i asked him did he write the note and i was anticipating a no he stated ”yes” my heart just dropped and i began to cry again. so many thoughts ran thru my head how did this happen, its a nightmare i’ll wake up soon but no i just cried. I had asked him why or how he came to this conclusion since he is  so young and he does not go out alone only to school.He told me for a whole year a boy in his school at lunch time would tell him how handsome he is, i call it brain washing! He stated he is still a virgin and in someway was a relief to me.I let him know how society is sometimes harsh and many people like bashing and verbally abuse the gay. I told him i could not accept his decision, i didn’t bring him up this way. He knows how i feel about the gay people.I love my son and would do anything for him but i cannot stand around and see him kiss another man. I am old fashioned and was brought up with good moral values.I sometimes wonder where did i go wrong. It goes to show our kids are not safe even in school. I want to take him to counceling, my older son claims he doesn’t need it and he is embracing his brothers decision which i find crazy in a way. I never expected this happening to our family.

G

Dear G,

The name of this column is ask a yeti, and I’m confused because you haven’t really asked me anything? Your letter is just you outlining your youngest son dropping the gay bomb on you? All that you seem to want to do here is talk about you and your experience throughout this event. I think you do have a question, but you are probably too ashamed to say it out loud. I think your question goes something like this.

“I just learned about my gay son. How can I deal with this, and what does this say about me?”

Well this isn’t really about you, not really and if so only a little bit. Even though this is true I want to help you put your feet back on the ground and begin to understand this situation. Let me first remind you that you are not a victim here, you are the mother.

Let me go over a few facts before I get to the information that I think can help you. In a quick review on recent studies done on biology and sexual orientation it’s pretty easy to conclude that  homosexuality is genetic.  To understand this best imagine two sets of twins one set identical (same DNA) one set fraternal (different DNA). The identical twins if one is gay or straight the other is too, they are the same. They are the same sexual orientation because their genetics are the same. Translation, sexual orientation is dictated by genetics… requiring genes…… genes given to the child by his parents during conception. If homosexuality is a breach in “good moral values” as you put it. Technically you are not the victim here, he is and you the perpetrator. Technically speaking but lets back up a little here because no one has done anything wrong here, especially not you….yet.

Let me first address the elephant in the room. I get the feeling you are writing me from a more rural community which may have a little more “Jesus created the dinosaurs” “life in a vacuum” type vibe to science and general world view. Which makes me think you may have a gut response to look for one of these “homosexual reversal” type counseling scenarios. Which in your mind will help him understand that he’s been manipulated and that really, deep inside he is strait  just like you and I. This is a mistake which originates from your in ability to accept the reality that you have a gay son. Your first challenge in dealing with this and probably the most difficult hill to climb is acceptance. Your boy likes other boys. I know, I know it’s too much for you to take in at once. The reality is too intense and confusing for you but maybe this will help. It doesn’t bother me at all that your son is gay. I know I don’t know you, but if I did, it wouldn’t bother me at all and I’m sure many other people in your life will feel the same way. It is ok that your son is gay, it’s ok to accept that your son is gay. Your son’s orientation and life path isn’t really about you at all. So lets look deeper into this stigma of gay men and women that is so potent it has the potential to turn a loving parent away from a vulnerable child.

Because homosexual communities were mostly underground before the gay rights movements of the 1970’s I say we really only have around 40 years to draw from. In that time gays and lesbians have been linked to deviant or criminal behavior without supporting evidence. This paired with homophobic ideology has unjustly reenforced that homosexuals are inferior. Probably the most damaging is the outbreak of HIV/Aids in the 80’s and early 90’s which stigmatized homosexual men as a danger to society. Thankfully this build up of prejudiced against the gay community is easing. Groups like GLAD are working hard to enforce the realization that homosexuals are a valuable community to add to the rich tapestry that is modern society. There also appears to be a large generational gap on this issue, something that is evident in your situation as well. Your oldest son is more conditioned by diversity in his surroundings, much more than you probably were at his age. This should clue you in a little more about the reality of the false stigma against homosexuals and should help you bridge the gap of accepting the fact that you are now the parent of a child with a non traditional gender role.

I think your newly outed son does need counseling for this but not by someone who has an agenda or by someone who wants to change him. If he feels alone and rejected by his mother, family or community than yeah he will definitely benefit from counseling. In case this wasn’t clear in the subtext of this letter I’m not at all concerned about your son. He clearly has a loving mother and coming out so early shows very strong character. Once you learn to accept him your old perceptions of him will drop away and make room for a newer more accurate understanding of who he is as a human being. This will help you create new goals for him as a parent. If he’s to growing into a healthy well adjusted gay man he is going to need your help. Help him to navigate through this very confusing and potentially traumatic period in his adolescence. You don’t have to like it and that’s not really ever going to be the goal, but to move forward in your life you do have to learn to accept it. The sooner the better.

A Yeti

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Dear Yeti,
I converted to Islam in my teenage years. I had previously been for the most part just “spiritual”. I think I was sort of driven to religion by a bunch of colliding pressures in my life at the time, it made sense, Islam seemed to provide a practical solution to all lifes questions. Long story short, I have recently abandoned my religious notions, for a number of reasons… but basically the whole thing has just become counter intuitive. However, for the time being, except for a few close relatives, I am basically a closet case kaffir (disbeliever). In my personal life and world view I have largely adopted a sort of “humanist” view of things. Unfortunately I have really basically structured my life around Islam and it would seem quite impractical to break all of my social relations etc., as would be necessary, indeed required, if I were to unearth and reveal my recent revelations to the world. To make matters worse, I am actually scheduled to enter into a traditional, Islamically arranged marriage (my second on actually, the first didn’t really work out). I am really kind of stuck trying to figure out what to do here… sacrifice my marriage, social life, possibly career opportunities, etc. and come out of the closet, or to bite my tongue, conform to the external requirements of the faith, and sacrifice my own integrity for the sake of convenience?
Any suggestions?

Kurtis Kaffir

Dear KK,

It doesn’t seem like you are at all confused about your situation, only what to do about it. At the risk of sounding dramatic, K.K. you’re at one of life’s big crossroads. How you choose to proceed will impact your life in a non-reversible way. Let’s extrapolate your idea of Integrity vs. Convenience.

How important is the actual faith part of living in an Islamic society? Islam means and requires a total submission and dedication to one god. Its followers are required to follow the teaching and guidance mentioned in the Holy Quran. Maybe the most prudent fact is that Islam offers a complete way of living. If followed in full faith, it promises to bring a total and fulfilling life of peace and brotherhood in this world. This of course means little to you because you are a self described Kaffir and have no faith.

This yeti is not an expert on Islam, but a “kaffir” as I understand it, is someone who knows Islam and rejects it openly. So not every non-believer is a kaffir, but every kaffir is a non-believer. A better translation of kaffir would be disbeliever, instead of non-believer. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter; what does matter is this crisis of faith you’re experiencing and its subsequent ethical dilemma, a life of convenience or a life of integrity.

I question your whole argument here because I see a great deal of “integrity” in the Islamic religion and I see very little “convenience” in going through the motions living as a closeted kaffir. Living life by the laws laid out in the Quran hardly seems convenient to me; praying 5 times a day alone should be a deal breaker for those without faith.

I think this convenience you speak of is the simplicity of continuing your life as planned and not shaking things up with your family and friends. Which brings me to my next point. Where does religion end and culture begin? Can you carry on your life as you did in the past while experiencing a crisis of faith? I believe that you can. There are no rewards for having more faith, and as such you should not be penalized when your faith is at a low point (or non-existent in your case.) By the same token you should be able to question the validity of practices in your religion or culture. I’m speaking of course about your arranged marriage. I think this is the main subject when you speak of convenience or integrity and it has nothing to do with your faith and everything to do with your culture. If it didn’t work before, it’s unlikely to be wedded bliss the second time around.

Some major proponents of organized religion feel that it’s out dated and some even are even convinced that it’s just some archaic way to control the poor. Even if all that is true, most religions are focused on humanity, kindness, charity and all that is good in the human spirit. Let me share with you a story which might illustrate this idea better.

When I was 10 years old my father and I were driving home on a Sunday (not from church; we are not a devoutly religious family), and we passed a broken down car on the side of the road. My father stopped to help the woman and her young son with their car and agreed to drive them into town so they could call a mechanic. After my father inquired about their situation the woman promptly informed us that she was driving to Washington D.C. to speak to the president about how her husband was poisoning her food. What was my father to do in this situation? This woman was clearly having mental problems and was likely endangering her child. So he called the only people who could take in a person in need on a Sunday afternoon, which was the local home for troubled women which was supported by the Catholic church. They took her in gave her and her son shelter and help.

A Yeti

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