Dear Yeti,

My I have been dating this girl for a few months now and I can’t seem to get over the fact that her best friend is another guy. Apparently Angela my girlfriend has been best friends with Glen nearly all her life. Their parents are friends and they grew up together. Glen is straight and has his shit together as far as I can tell which makes me think he has to be into my girlfriend a little bit. I guess he has never done anything that should make me suspicious, and he has warmed up to me as I get to know him more.

I’m totally thrown by this situation and I don’t want to end up looking like a chump. I really like Angela and it’s not a deal breaker at all it’s just weird to have him call when we are hanging out, or drop by her place without calling. What really makes me nuts is when she ditches me to go hang out with him.

What do I do? Should I try to get ahead of this guy in the eyes of my girlfriend or should I just live with it?

Ted?

Dear Ted,

I’m not gonna lie to you Ted; this has romantic comedy written all over it. Jon Favreau could play you, Keanu Reeves will be Glen and Angela will be played by Kate Hudson. I will be the narrator but my voice over will be done by Matthew McConaughey or John Bon Jovi. Maybe M. Night can direct.

Opposite-sex friendships are tricky and can be a direct threat to the relationship only if you let them. The truth is that there is nothing you can do to prevent these two childhood friends from running off together or whatever it is you are fearing in the back of your head. Really the only thing you can do is say or do things that make you seem insecure and untrusting.

Before you get too discouraged, ask yourself this: they have known each other how long and never hooked up? Why is that? Is this guy really a threat? Nothing turns a girl off like a jealous, controlling boyfriend who tries to get in between her and her friends. Remember, it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex and keep your love relationship strong and healthy. With this said, there are some guidelines a platonic relationship should follow:

• No secrets allowed! Everyone should know each other and know about the friendship. If anything should change in the friendship, your partner needs to know.
• Time spent with the friend should never be more than the time spent with your partner.
• Never make your partner feel that he/she isn’t the most important relationship to you. This goes unsaid: the romantic relationship, no matter how new, should be or have the potential to be more intimate than that of your opposite sex friend.
• Never put your friend’s needs before your partner’s needs. By making your partner your number-one priority, the mystery surrounding the friendship diminishes, and your partner will more likely view the friend as a real person.

A Yeti

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Dear Yeti,

I have really messed up with this guy I like. I may have turned myself into a booty call in the eyes of a great guy. I’d like to keep my options open and don’t want to be seen simply as a late-night hook-up. Here’s the story…

We met at a bar after he came into my tattoo shop. I really liked him and I think he felt the same. We exchanged numbers but I didn’t hear from him for the typical week or two. He invited me to a few parties. I’d stop by at the end of the night (after going out with my girlfriends) and have a drink or two and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. Nothing serious.  Then he invited me to his b-day bash and once again I showed up late… but not as late this time.

Well, That’s when it started. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other! We headed for his bedroom and didn’t leave til the next day. He called the following week to see how I was. He made a few attempts asking me to meet him for a beer or come hang out. But every time he called I already had plans with my girls. So I would tell him I’d call when we got done. Well somehow I turned this great guy into a late night call…. a booty call.It’s not exactly what I wanted but I am not sure if I wanted to jump into a relationship either. How can I just as easily and casually get it back to the regular playing field? I would love to get out of this booty call slump before it is what we become to each other. But I don’t want to stop having sex with him either.

What can I do?
Another Booty Call

Dear ABC,

BBBooooty Call! Really? You missed his whole birthday party by bar hopping with all your friends, pop in late night to drop off his “present.” You’re really worried that he thinks you’re a booty call? You’ve got to be kidding me. If anything he is the booty call.

First off, a booty call for a girl is probably the worst proposition in the dating scene. If you were his booty call you would be writing me about how this guy strikes out at last call with all the “local talent” and comes throwing rocks at your window come 3:00 in the morning. That’s a booty call, and it’s not exactly romantic.

You didn’t want or are not yet emotionally available for a real relationship with this guy or you would have done several of these things differently: blown off your friends instead, arrived on time for his birthday party, etc. I think you have to ask yourself why haven’t you guys gone to a movie or met for coffee? Is it his fault or yours? He has been calling you to see if you’re available.

I think you have been testing this guy out slowly or “trying him on” and you’ve come to the conclusion that he’s a good fit. Now you want to rewind the tape before these late night hook-ups are all you have.

It sounds to me like you have this guy right where you want him. Just make sure you are clear with him that it’s time to do some real dating. He may resist a little as he has been getting the milk for free. You are a great physical match and know enough about him that still interests you. I’m sure he feels the same. If you wanna eventually put this guy in ink, you are going to have to set some boundaries. Try seeing him during the day, and cutting off the sex cold turkey is a must at least until you see the attitude of your relationship changing.

A Yet

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Dear Yeti,

This may sound wierd to you because its probably never happened before on your website. I am of bisexual orientation which means I experience sexual, emotional, or affectional attractions between both sex’s. I have been really down lately. I started having feeling for this boy about a year ago, and at first i was surprised at the fact that i was feeling anything toward another guy, but eventually I just kind of went with it. I loved him from a distance, because thats all I could do. I was friends with him and someone who hated him and bothered him all the time for being bi. I knew that if I was discovered as a member of the bisexual community then I would share his fate. After a few months, I tried to hook him up with one of my other friends who stalked him obsessivley because I knew that she had a chance with him. At first he didnt want to even look at her, but then he started liking her, and then he became overwhelmed by her. I was so happy until 2 months ago, when she found out about how much I loved him. She felt terrible, she said she was selfish. I told her she wasnt but she didnt believe me. She almost broke up with him because of me, and if his heart would have been crushed, mine would have been too. I got her to agree to stay with him, but only on one condition, I had to tell him how I felt. I became scared. The night after, I told him. He was silent . After a moment he started talking about how he just wanted to stay friends(which is what I wanted him to say). After realizing how hard I fell for him, I cried for maybe 10 minutes. That day. The next day I cried for 20, then an hour. It became so bad that I was crying for 4 hours a day. Suddenly it all took a turn for the worst. He became mad and sad at the same time. He would always accuse me of trying to mess up his relationship with her, and proclaim that she and I were falling in love. It hurt a lot. It hurt for him just to say something like that, to think something like that. That I would ever hurt him. I flew into depression, and I stayed there for a while, maybe a month and a half. During this time ,however, I was placed in therapy. Slowly I was pulled out of the darkness that surrounded me. I was better until about 2 days ago. Hes moving to seattle in 2 months. What do I do?!?!?!

sincerely,
Wildo Wierdo

Dear Wierdo,

First off the yeti is horrible with spelling and grammar, so I have a spell gray squirrel do my spell checking.  I wish I could say the same for everyone who writes me. However I post all letters as they are sent to me without any alteration as I feel this is the most honest format for my advice column.

Yes I know what bi-sexual means.  The fact that you feel the need to explain it to me makes me wonder how familiar you are with the concept.  From reading your letter I get the feeling that your past romantic history has not lent itself to many male lovers.  I think that your infatuation with this guy is not only due to your physical attraction but also because is some ways you are envious of his sexuality and his freedom of expression.  You are a manipulative asshole who does not deserve this guy, sorry but it’s true.

You clearly set up your girlfriend to date him so you could live vicariously through her and or be privy to private details of their love life.  You set them up because you are too insecure to pursue this guy yourself.  Now they are together and apparently happy (until you intervened) so back off, you made your bed now lay in it.  You are not involved or in control of this relationship just because you believe that you created it.  This guy has every right to reject your friendship and your romantic advances.  You were manipulative and deceptive even if you can’t see it yourself.

Wierdo\Weirdo

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Dear Yeti,
I have been married for going on two years now.   My husband is the apple of my eye.  I think about him all day when we are not together.  I’m not trying to sound obsessed but I love him a lot.  When we go out I sometimes catch him looking at other women.  This makes me insane with rage and I can’t say anything to him when I catch him do it.  Rather I end up snapping sometime later over a smaller and unrelated incident.  What can I do to stop this? Is this his problem, or mine?

Thankx,
Carry

Dear Carry

Congratulations you are a very lucky woman.  Wait I may have gotten ahead of myself, I?ll pick up that thought in a minute.  Ahh yea how annoying, he?s checking out every hot little thing that walks by.  I get the feeling you are catching him do this a lot (or at least you think you are).  And you see this as a growing problem.  Lets deal with this in three parts: your problem, his problem, and the reality.

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Dear Yeti,
I am in a three-year relationship with a man from a different race to who I am recently engaged. My family and friends have been nothing but supportive but I am starting to feel pressure from his side. I feel that their culture is so serious and exclusive. Now that things are getting more serious I feel like they are objecting to our possible future together.

It’s not just the family it’s also other people. People in public sometimes give us looks like they are trying to figure what we are doing together. Sometimes I just feel a general disaproval from people I don’t know. Are we doing something wrong? I mean are we making a mistake by pursing a potentially complex interracial marriage?

Scheri,
San Diego, CA

Dear Scheri,

Yes you are absolutely doing something wrong, humans should never, mix races, never. Stop what you are doing and find a guy who looks just like you and pursue a relationship with him. How does that sound? Hmmm wait for it… wait for it…Light bulb! That sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?

You need to ask yourself, what is your attraction to this guy? It’s probably that in addition to his compatibility, his differences bring a new richness to into your life. This is a wonderful thing and not at all something you should be questioning. What you should be questioning is this vibe you’re getting from his friends and family. Please allow me to extrapolate and make few assumptions on your behalf. We are not just talking about the mixing of two races, or two cultures. We’re also talking about the mixing of religions aren’t we?

If we are, lets get something straight. Everyone navigating the challenging waters of monogamy has to learn to compromise. This problem is not unique to your relationship. Stop living in a vacuum and look around. I’m reminded of the Waylon Jennings song “Good hearted woman in love with a good time’n man,” and how the clean freaks I know have all married a closet pig and so on and so on. Being in a relationship and committing to it does not mean overlooking the differences it means adapting to them, no matter how hard it may be. In your case the people in his background were expecting his wife to be similar to them and they defiantly were hoping his wife would become an asset to the family. This can still be done without converting religions or loosing all your integrity. Here are a few examples. If they’re first language is different, than learn it. If they have traditions that are unfamiliar to you, accommodate them.

Look to the future. Should you choose to have children they will need to have one foot planted in both cultures. This is a value system that you and your husband will need to understand if you are ever going to teach them. Like it or not Society will play a role in this as well. Your children will likely go through periods of confusion as they grow up. The stronger your relationship with your future husbands family, the stronger sense of self your children will have. If the newly elected president Barach Obama provides any insight it’s that the cultural climate in the United States is changing and that any reservations you may have socially about your interracial relationship are plain insecurities on your part. I speak from experience I have been in a very rewarding relationship with an abdominal snowwoman for years now and have never looked back.

A Yeti

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Dear Yeti,
I’m 22 and in my last year of college and I’ve had a crush on this guy at my university who is a year younger than me and who is going into his 2nd year; the thing is that I study overseas. We will both be leaving our university and going different countries come next summer but I can help but have a crush on this guy now and it’s been about six weeks.

It started out harmless, I just wanted to be his friend but soon I realized that he was really funny and he’s tall with green eyes and he has red hair which I know most people don’t like but for some reason I am attracted to. I think it’s because I might have thing for Irish boys but this guy is Spanish and speaks English with an accent and that is totally normal here because I’m in Spain but when he does it, it’s cute.

My mom says that I shouldn’t, “shit where I eat,” and I know she is right but it’s to the point where I can’t concentrate when I’m around him and he even makes me feel giddy. I even get excited on the days that I know I’m going to see him at school. Now he is done with class but I have another three weeks. I want to hang out with him and I have made a couple of attempts but one was on a whim and it was late and the metro was closed so he couldn’t come into the city and the second time he got the message too late.

I think he feels more comfortable around me but I always feel lost when it comes to the opposite sex here in Spain, seriously this cultural difference is not so good for my self esteem. I miss my American boys that I can read easily but I can’t help but like this one Spanish guy.

Help! I want to hang out with him and see if he likes me but I’m getting lost in the translation!

Thanx,
Crushin’ on Carrot Top

Dear Crushin’ on Carrot Top,

Ahhhhhhh that’s the sound of thousands of American men sighing in satisfaction at the revelation that women also have it uphill when it comes to romance in the suave European dating pool. Many a college student has returned to the United States with fabricated European love affairs. I am personally responsible a fictitious narrative regarding two French chicks after a Coldplay concert. These stories only serve to perpetuate the myth that hooking up on an oversea adventure is easy. It isn’t, but that shouldn’t prevent you from getting to know this guy. It sounds like you are off to a good start; you’re already on his radar as a friend. All you really have to do now is find the romance button.

Your mom tells you not to shit where you eat… really. Is she a drill sergeant for the Marine Corp? Hmmm well it’s totally understandable that you would fall for the ever-reclusive “Ginger Spaniard”. They are rare and irresistible to say the least. Let me rectify the lousy advise given to you by your mother. You should definitely “ir al cagar donde se come” or shit where you eat. You say you are getting lost in the translation, this can be a good thing. Because english is not his first language communication with you is probably more intense for him. Try easing his Burdon by complementing him on his English, and keeping the conversations simple. In this day and age you almost certainly have common interests: food, music, artists, athletes (try tennis players.) Even more exciting are the things in which you don’t have in common culturally. These can lead to long late night conversations that may lead to a more intimate experience.

If this fails you have probably the most lethal of all dating tools right under your nose. Ask to practice your Spanish with him. How much Spanish you currently speak is irrelevant. If he agrees to help you, you’ll be guaranteed his undivided attention. The great thing about practicing a second language is that is nearly all question asking and response. This allows you to ask him all sorts of personal questions under the guise of a Spanish lesson. How else could you (in the context of normal social behavior) ask him all about his: interests, likes and dislikes, family, love life, exc. This will not only get you more acquainted with each other it will show your interest in his culture which is a must in any international friendship.

A Yeti

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