Dear Yeti,

A few days ago my 14 year old son left a note in my room. In this note it stated ”im sorry mom but i am gay and i dont like girls” and i lost it. I cried for hours til he got home from school. I thought it was a joke from my older son. For close to 3 years the older son teased him about being gay and i told him to stop the name calling,i hated it too. My older son texted me he didnt write any note. When my 14 year old got home i asked him did he write the note and i was anticipating a no he stated ”yes” my heart just dropped and i began to cry again. so many thoughts ran thru my head how did this happen, its a nightmare i’ll wake up soon but no i just cried. I had asked him why or how he came to this conclusion since he is  so young and he does not go out alone only to school.He told me for a whole year a boy in his school at lunch time would tell him how handsome he is, i call it brain washing! He stated he is still a virgin and in someway was a relief to me.I let him know how society is sometimes harsh and many people like bashing and verbally abuse the gay. I told him i could not accept his decision, i didn’t bring him up this way. He knows how i feel about the gay people.I love my son and would do anything for him but i cannot stand around and see him kiss another man. I am old fashioned and was brought up with good moral values.I sometimes wonder where did i go wrong. It goes to show our kids are not safe even in school. I want to take him to counceling, my older son claims he doesn’t need it and he is embracing his brothers decision which i find crazy in a way. I never expected this happening to our family.

G

Dear G,

The name of this column is ask a yeti, and I’m confused because you haven’t really asked me anything? Your letter is just you outlining your youngest son dropping the gay bomb on you? All that you seem to want to do here is talk about you and your experience throughout this event. I think you do have a question, but you are probably too ashamed to say it out loud. I think your question goes something like this.

“I just learned about my gay son. How can I deal with this, and what does this say about me?”

Well this isn’t really about you, not really and if so only a little bit. Even though this is true I want to help you put your feet back on the ground and begin to understand this situation. Let me first remind you that you are not a victim here, you are the mother.

Let me go over a few facts before I get to the information that I think can help you. In a quick review on recent studies done on biology and sexual orientation it’s pretty easy to conclude that  homosexuality is genetic.  To understand this best imagine two sets of twins one set identical (same DNA) one set fraternal (different DNA). The identical twins if one is gay or straight the other is too, they are the same. They are the same sexual orientation because their genetics are the same. Translation, sexual orientation is dictated by genetics… requiring genes…… genes given to the child by his parents during conception. If homosexuality is a breach in “good moral values” as you put it. Technically you are not the victim here, he is and you the perpetrator. Technically speaking but lets back up a little here because no one has done anything wrong here, especially not you….yet.

Let me first address the elephant in the room. I get the feeling you are writing me from a more rural community which may have a little more “Jesus created the dinosaurs” “life in a vacuum” type vibe to science and general world view. Which makes me think you may have a gut response to look for one of these “homosexual reversal” type counseling scenarios. Which in your mind will help him understand that he’s been manipulated and that really, deep inside he is strait  just like you and I. This is a mistake which originates from your in ability to accept the reality that you have a gay son. Your first challenge in dealing with this and probably the most difficult hill to climb is acceptance. Your boy likes other boys. I know, I know it’s too much for you to take in at once. The reality is too intense and confusing for you but maybe this will help. It doesn’t bother me at all that your son is gay. I know I don’t know you, but if I did, it wouldn’t bother me at all and I’m sure many other people in your life will feel the same way. It is ok that your son is gay, it’s ok to accept that your son is gay. Your son’s orientation and life path isn’t really about you at all. So lets look deeper into this stigma of gay men and women that is so potent it has the potential to turn a loving parent away from a vulnerable child.

Because homosexual communities were mostly underground before the gay rights movements of the 1970’s I say we really only have around 40 years to draw from. In that time gays and lesbians have been linked to deviant or criminal behavior without supporting evidence. This paired with homophobic ideology has unjustly reenforced that homosexuals are inferior. Probably the most damaging is the outbreak of HIV/Aids in the 80’s and early 90’s which stigmatized homosexual men as a danger to society. Thankfully this build up of prejudiced against the gay community is easing. Groups like GLAD are working hard to enforce the realization that homosexuals are a valuable community to add to the rich tapestry that is modern society. There also appears to be a large generational gap on this issue, something that is evident in your situation as well. Your oldest son is more conditioned by diversity in his surroundings, much more than you probably were at his age. This should clue you in a little more about the reality of the false stigma against homosexuals and should help you bridge the gap of accepting the fact that you are now the parent of a child with a non traditional gender role.

I think your newly outed son does need counseling for this but not by someone who has an agenda or by someone who wants to change him. If he feels alone and rejected by his mother, family or community than yeah he will definitely benefit from counseling. In case this wasn’t clear in the subtext of this letter I’m not at all concerned about your son. He clearly has a loving mother and coming out so early shows very strong character. Once you learn to accept him your old perceptions of him will drop away and make room for a newer more accurate understanding of who he is as a human being. This will help you create new goals for him as a parent. If he’s to growing into a healthy well adjusted gay man he is going to need your help. Help him to navigate through this very confusing and potentially traumatic period in his adolescence. You don’t have to like it and that’s not really ever going to be the goal, but to move forward in your life you do have to learn to accept it. The sooner the better.

A Yeti

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Dear Yeti,

I am a Mexican guy who came to the Netherlands to study a master in economics two years ago. Of course I don’t have money so I do this on a scholarship by the Netherlands government. My problem is that I’m supposed to be finished with the program about these days and I still owe a bunch of papers plus my thesis. I don’t know what to do I keep procrastinating all the time and even have become a regular at coffee shops. I feel morally bankrupt I know I blew the biggest opportunity in my life (until now). To be more realistic I know that time-wise it is almost impossible to get it done and I am very anxious because of this. What should I do? My dream was to finish these studies and to continue for a PhD. I thought I had the talents to do it but now I’m not so sure. I feel I will disappoint many including myself but because of other circumstances I wasted almost a year here and now I cannot catch up and I don’t have the means to buy me some more time.

I appreciate your view.
Julio

Dear Julio,

Here’s an old saying that should make sense to you, “Over time, hard work pays off, the problem is that procrastination pays off now.” True you may have blown the biggest opportunity of your life (to date) but life is long and I think you just need to calm down and face your problem head on. Is it possible you just don’t want to be an economist?

Are you distracted by something else specifically, like do you secretly want to become a circus acrobatic, or a matador? If so, I’ll tell you what just about anyone who has lived through their 20s will tell you. Just go do it, no matter what it pays or what other people think about you. It’ll make your life fulfilling and the money will follow. Easier said than done I know, but nonetheless the truth. However, after reading the subtext of your letter I get the feeling that it’s not some abandoned dream that’s got you studying economics, it’s more about a lack of confidence and direction that’s got you down. This is a bit more complicated.

It’s time to step up to the line of adulthood and cross it. Everyone in society has a responsibility to do something constructive with the opportunities they are provided. It’s up to you to find that spark of confidence and compassion. Quit wasting your time procrastinating your way through college. It’s making you more and more miserable. The guilt of not being productive is growing everyday, only making your problem worse. It’s a downward spiral, and it’s time to pull out.

You need a clean slate. Forgive yourself totally and completely for messing up this opportunity and rededicate your life to something with substance, something you want to do.

You don’t have to have a degree in economics to read between the lines on your whole “ I have become a regular at coffee shops (Netherlands)” statement. Usted está fumando hierba demasiado mi amigo. You’re in Am-dam smoking dope all day and you want answers to why your life is going to shit? Come on grow up.

Your life is a formula; an equation only you can solve. Just change a few variables in your equation and the outcome will be different.

Coffee shops + an unexamined life = Procrastination/Depression

A Yeti

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Dear Yeti,
i feel like i have hit a wall. It comes in what seems every aspect of my life. I’m a teetering relationship guy, i don’t know if i want a woman or a woman’s comfort. Girls seem to take me for granted yet i’ve been told i too do the same when its a more serious relationship on my part. Continuing off of what i was saying before the other aspect are the roads i want to take in my career. I’m a full time college student (business), yet I’m debating if i want to join the air force to become a jet engine mechanic. On top of that i think maybe i should just change my major to psychology, finding it to be more suitable. All that or just doing what my family has told me I’m also good at; drawing, other forms of expression. Oh believe me and more… I’ve lived by doing what i love and what i think is right but i love a lot of things and these days who knows what’s right you know? just looking for some good places for advice or advice from yourself.

Thank you,
Impatient Me

Dear Impatient Me,

As I am writing this I’m thinking how to craft my response without giving you any real answer. But I just can’t help it. The answer: get an education.

Your relationships with women are still in front of you. You’re unsure about committing to any one partner yet because the right one hasn’t come along yet. Which is probably for the best. You’ll be better off in the long run if you compile a few more crazy girlfriend stories before you hang it all up.

If you’re focused on your career, it means that you take your potential very seriously. Being in business school is probably a good place to start. By the same token, a young man is not doing his part if he’s not chasing the next great adventure. The armed forces are a great way to seek discipline and explore the world. That being said, there’s good roads and bad roads leading into both these sunsets.

Just because some crew cut con artist at the Air Force recruitment center promises he’ll make you a jet mechanic doesn’t mean you are guaranteed anything. Entering the military without a college degree is a total crapshoot. I looked into it. The Army and Navy typically promote foreign born soldiers into their mechanic programs. There could be any number of reasons for this, but as I understand it, it’s a competitive position that you may not get. You could be sewing uniforms or peeling potatoes for 3 years.  Sleeping your way through business school could be even worse. You could wake up one day working in the mailroom of some corporation trying to pay back 75K in student loans.

The point I’m trying to make is, it’s not just what you do – it’s how you do it. Get out a sheet or paper and write down your strengths and weaknesses. Think long and hard about what you want to accomplish. Form a plan. Set goals. Meet goals. Be successful.

Many successful business men own their own planes to tinker around on, and I’ve never meet a member of the military with student loans. Any road could be the right road. The world’s your oyster, Impatient. Before you know it you’ll be staring down your middle years and all these decisions will have made you who you are.

A Yeti

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Dear Yeti,
I converted to Islam in my teenage years. I had previously been for the most part just “spiritual”. I think I was sort of driven to religion by a bunch of colliding pressures in my life at the time, it made sense, Islam seemed to provide a practical solution to all lifes questions. Long story short, I have recently abandoned my religious notions, for a number of reasons… but basically the whole thing has just become counter intuitive. However, for the time being, except for a few close relatives, I am basically a closet case kaffir (disbeliever). In my personal life and world view I have largely adopted a sort of “humanist” view of things. Unfortunately I have really basically structured my life around Islam and it would seem quite impractical to break all of my social relations etc., as would be necessary, indeed required, if I were to unearth and reveal my recent revelations to the world. To make matters worse, I am actually scheduled to enter into a traditional, Islamically arranged marriage (my second on actually, the first didn’t really work out). I am really kind of stuck trying to figure out what to do here… sacrifice my marriage, social life, possibly career opportunities, etc. and come out of the closet, or to bite my tongue, conform to the external requirements of the faith, and sacrifice my own integrity for the sake of convenience?
Any suggestions?

Kurtis Kaffir

Dear KK,

It doesn’t seem like you are at all confused about your situation, only what to do about it. At the risk of sounding dramatic, K.K. you’re at one of life’s big crossroads. How you choose to proceed will impact your life in a non-reversible way. Let’s extrapolate your idea of Integrity vs. Convenience.

How important is the actual faith part of living in an Islamic society? Islam means and requires a total submission and dedication to one god. Its followers are required to follow the teaching and guidance mentioned in the Holy Quran. Maybe the most prudent fact is that Islam offers a complete way of living. If followed in full faith, it promises to bring a total and fulfilling life of peace and brotherhood in this world. This of course means little to you because you are a self described Kaffir and have no faith.

This yeti is not an expert on Islam, but a “kaffir” as I understand it, is someone who knows Islam and rejects it openly. So not every non-believer is a kaffir, but every kaffir is a non-believer. A better translation of kaffir would be disbeliever, instead of non-believer. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter; what does matter is this crisis of faith you’re experiencing and its subsequent ethical dilemma, a life of convenience or a life of integrity.

I question your whole argument here because I see a great deal of “integrity” in the Islamic religion and I see very little “convenience” in going through the motions living as a closeted kaffir. Living life by the laws laid out in the Quran hardly seems convenient to me; praying 5 times a day alone should be a deal breaker for those without faith.

I think this convenience you speak of is the simplicity of continuing your life as planned and not shaking things up with your family and friends. Which brings me to my next point. Where does religion end and culture begin? Can you carry on your life as you did in the past while experiencing a crisis of faith? I believe that you can. There are no rewards for having more faith, and as such you should not be penalized when your faith is at a low point (or non-existent in your case.) By the same token you should be able to question the validity of practices in your religion or culture. I’m speaking of course about your arranged marriage. I think this is the main subject when you speak of convenience or integrity and it has nothing to do with your faith and everything to do with your culture. If it didn’t work before, it’s unlikely to be wedded bliss the second time around.

Some major proponents of organized religion feel that it’s out dated and some even are even convinced that it’s just some archaic way to control the poor. Even if all that is true, most religions are focused on humanity, kindness, charity and all that is good in the human spirit. Let me share with you a story which might illustrate this idea better.

When I was 10 years old my father and I were driving home on a Sunday (not from church; we are not a devoutly religious family), and we passed a broken down car on the side of the road. My father stopped to help the woman and her young son with their car and agreed to drive them into town so they could call a mechanic. After my father inquired about their situation the woman promptly informed us that she was driving to Washington D.C. to speak to the president about how her husband was poisoning her food. What was my father to do in this situation? This woman was clearly having mental problems and was likely endangering her child. So he called the only people who could take in a person in need on a Sunday afternoon, which was the local home for troubled women which was supported by the Catholic church. They took her in gave her and her son shelter and help.

A Yeti

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Dear Yeti,
I have been attending school on and off since 1987.  I raised my children during this time and took off time on and off for jobs.  I have always claimed a major in Psychology in Secondary Education and Special Education.  I love working with children but lately I am questioning my choices in Career because when I first started I was going to be a nurse and now I am questioning myself on whether or not I am going for the right thing!!  I really want both.

What to do?
JH

Dear JH,

Spoiler alert!  Everyone is frustrated with their life.  Everyone wants a time machine.  Everyone wants a crystal ball.  You’re frustrated because something inside of you says you took a wrong time somewhere.  Join the club.  What may make your situation different is that apparently you have been putting the needs of your family before your own for about a decade and you’re worn out.  Maybe it is time for a change but that change is up to you. Pouting and complaining about how my life is not what I have envisioned, and where did I get off track is not going to help you move forward.    I lend you the a few lines from Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Less Traveled”  - “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.  If that really is what you want, then there is no time like the present.  You need to regroup, adjust your value system, get organized and follow through on your dreams. Whatever they may be.  Anything short of that is going to leave you living in frustration.  But what do I know; I live in the woods,  I’m covered in fur, and I wipe my ass with  pine cones.

A Yeti

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Dear Yeti,
I’m just find out this site and i think u can give some good suggestions to me. i’m a guy studying in matriculation college in my country. Here i got mess up. I’ve crushed to two person here, a girl n a guy. This so make my head turn around 360 degree or just more than that. The girl is my classmate n i just like her as other guy like a girl. but i think the chance for me and her to make up is so small(lots of reasons why i think like that). Then i just wait n see. About the guy, he is my senior n x roommates. I don’t know what actually happen between me n him. but what makes sense is he mad of me as i so want to pampered by him n made he thought me that i was gay. At first i so mad he said i’m a gay. but by time i realized that i really love him(as a lover not a brother). so this all make me think, what actually am i, a straight guy or maybe a gay or just having a bisexuality orientation of sex.In my society being a gay was a taboo. then its made me feelings guilty of loving a guy. but at the same time i’m still having the crush towards the girl( describe early). so what have i supposed to do???

Matrico

Dear Matrico,

In reading your letter I realize that English is not your first language, which is why I am flattered you would take the time to write to a yeti. The community in which you live does not accommodate the homosexual lifestyle and this has you confused about your same-sex romantic urges. The homosexual community is no stranger to persecution. However, that idea is outdated and more and more places are catching up to the global standard of tolerance for all lifestyles. So you say you are a college student with attractions to both men and women?

A Yeti

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Dear Yeti,

This may sound wierd to you because its probably never happened before on your website. I am of bisexual orientation which means I experience sexual, emotional, or affectional attractions between both sex’s. I have been really down lately. I started having feeling for this boy about a year ago, and at first i was surprised at the fact that i was feeling anything toward another guy, but eventually I just kind of went with it. I loved him from a distance, because thats all I could do. I was friends with him and someone who hated him and bothered him all the time for being bi. I knew that if I was discovered as a member of the bisexual community then I would share his fate. After a few months, I tried to hook him up with one of my other friends who stalked him obsessivley because I knew that she had a chance with him. At first he didnt want to even look at her, but then he started liking her, and then he became overwhelmed by her. I was so happy until 2 months ago, when she found out about how much I loved him. She felt terrible, she said she was selfish. I told her she wasnt but she didnt believe me. She almost broke up with him because of me, and if his heart would have been crushed, mine would have been too. I got her to agree to stay with him, but only on one condition, I had to tell him how I felt. I became scared. The night after, I told him. He was silent . After a moment he started talking about how he just wanted to stay friends(which is what I wanted him to say). After realizing how hard I fell for him, I cried for maybe 10 minutes. That day. The next day I cried for 20, then an hour. It became so bad that I was crying for 4 hours a day. Suddenly it all took a turn for the worst. He became mad and sad at the same time. He would always accuse me of trying to mess up his relationship with her, and proclaim that she and I were falling in love. It hurt a lot. It hurt for him just to say something like that, to think something like that. That I would ever hurt him. I flew into depression, and I stayed there for a while, maybe a month and a half. During this time ,however, I was placed in therapy. Slowly I was pulled out of the darkness that surrounded me. I was better until about 2 days ago. Hes moving to seattle in 2 months. What do I do?!?!?!

sincerely,
Wildo Wierdo

Dear Wierdo,

First off the yeti is horrible with spelling and grammar, so I have a spell gray squirrel do my spell checking.  I wish I could say the same for everyone who writes me. However I post all letters as they are sent to me without any alteration as I feel this is the most honest format for my advice column.

Yes I know what bi-sexual means.  The fact that you feel the need to explain it to me makes me wonder how familiar you are with the concept.  From reading your letter I get the feeling that your past romantic history has not lent itself to many male lovers.  I think that your infatuation with this guy is not only due to your physical attraction but also because is some ways you are envious of his sexuality and his freedom of expression.  You are a manipulative asshole who does not deserve this guy, sorry but it’s true.

You clearly set up your girlfriend to date him so you could live vicariously through her and or be privy to private details of their love life.  You set them up because you are too insecure to pursue this guy yourself.  Now they are together and apparently happy (until you intervened) so back off, you made your bed now lay in it.  You are not involved or in control of this relationship just because you believe that you created it.  This guy has every right to reject your friendship and your romantic advances.  You were manipulative and deceptive even if you can’t see it yourself.

Wierdo\Weirdo

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Dear Yeti,
I have been married for going on two years now.   My husband is the apple of my eye.  I think about him all day when we are not together.  I’m not trying to sound obsessed but I love him a lot.  When we go out I sometimes catch him looking at other women.  This makes me insane with rage and I can’t say anything to him when I catch him do it.  Rather I end up snapping sometime later over a smaller and unrelated incident.  What can I do to stop this? Is this his problem, or mine?

Thankx,
Carry

Dear Carry

Congratulations you are a very lucky woman.  Wait I may have gotten ahead of myself, I?ll pick up that thought in a minute.  Ahh yea how annoying, he?s checking out every hot little thing that walks by.  I get the feeling you are catching him do this a lot (or at least you think you are).  And you see this as a growing problem.  Lets deal with this in three parts: your problem, his problem, and the reality.

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Dear Yeti,
I am in a three-year relationship with a man from a different race to who I am recently engaged. My family and friends have been nothing but supportive but I am starting to feel pressure from his side. I feel that their culture is so serious and exclusive. Now that things are getting more serious I feel like they are objecting to our possible future together.

It’s not just the family it’s also other people. People in public sometimes give us looks like they are trying to figure what we are doing together. Sometimes I just feel a general disaproval from people I don’t know. Are we doing something wrong? I mean are we making a mistake by pursing a potentially complex interracial marriage?

Scheri,
San Diego, CA

Dear Scheri,

Yes you are absolutely doing something wrong, humans should never, mix races, never. Stop what you are doing and find a guy who looks just like you and pursue a relationship with him. How does that sound? Hmmm wait for it… wait for it…Light bulb! That sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?

You need to ask yourself, what is your attraction to this guy? It’s probably that in addition to his compatibility, his differences bring a new richness to into your life. This is a wonderful thing and not at all something you should be questioning. What you should be questioning is this vibe you’re getting from his friends and family. Please allow me to extrapolate and make few assumptions on your behalf. We are not just talking about the mixing of two races, or two cultures. We’re also talking about the mixing of religions aren’t we?

If we are, lets get something straight. Everyone navigating the challenging waters of monogamy has to learn to compromise. This problem is not unique to your relationship. Stop living in a vacuum and look around. I’m reminded of the Waylon Jennings song “Good hearted woman in love with a good time’n man,” and how the clean freaks I know have all married a closet pig and so on and so on. Being in a relationship and committing to it does not mean overlooking the differences it means adapting to them, no matter how hard it may be. In your case the people in his background were expecting his wife to be similar to them and they defiantly were hoping his wife would become an asset to the family. This can still be done without converting religions or loosing all your integrity. Here are a few examples. If they’re first language is different, than learn it. If they have traditions that are unfamiliar to you, accommodate them.

Look to the future. Should you choose to have children they will need to have one foot planted in both cultures. This is a value system that you and your husband will need to understand if you are ever going to teach them. Like it or not Society will play a role in this as well. Your children will likely go through periods of confusion as they grow up. The stronger your relationship with your future husbands family, the stronger sense of self your children will have. If the newly elected president Barach Obama provides any insight it’s that the cultural climate in the United States is changing and that any reservations you may have socially about your interracial relationship are plain insecurities on your part. I speak from experience I have been in a very rewarding relationship with an abdominal snowwoman for years now and have never looked back.

A Yeti

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Dear Yeti,

I bring upon you a new Dilemma. I have recently been prescribed medical marijuana to take care of my back pain. Only the pain has ceased, just a couple months ago. I have not told my doctor, and I continue to recieve the dope. I never was a heavy smoker, so I have been selling it to friends around town. Is this an immoral thing to do? I mean it’s free for me, and if I don’t supply it, my friends will just spend more money else where. A guilty conscience has been following me around, and this monkey on my back is killing me. Plus what is the penalty for getting caught? Thanks for your time.
Your Friend,
Cam

Dear Cam,

I will suspend my disbelief in the validity of your letter because medical marijuana is an interesting and rapidly changing topic.

A Quick History of medical marijuana:
Marijuana has been legal in California since prop 215 passed by an overwhelming margin in 1996. The federal government does not recognize the legal right to distribute medical marajuana and continues to use the controlled substance act to prosecute distribution centers. Today medical marijuana is legally being prescribed in 13 states in the US and in Europe and Canada. The laws vary in flexibility from state to state in the US, and new states are legalizing medical marIjuana every year. For instance, in Oregon it is legal to have 24ozs in possession and up to 24 plants in the ground as compared to Montana which allows 1oz and 6 plants.

So you are telling me you are having reservations (morally) about your new plan of reselling your legally prescribed marijuana to your friends, and you are further asking about the legal ramifications should you be caught. I am not a lawyer and as such I have no interest in advising you of your legal rights regarding the redistribution of medical marajuana. In some states the penalty is as small as a traffic ticket. In other more stricter states you might be processed at the police station and have to go to court on a misdemeanor charge. The best reference for regional marijuana laws can be found www.norml.org. This being said you should know the cultural climate in the United States is changing. Just look at the evendence; things like medical marijuana vending machines are now availible in California. The laws are becoming less stringent, but it is still an illegal substance.

…Now it’s time to address the question that you did not mean to ask but did.

“I NEVER WAS A HEAVY SMOKER, SO I HAVE BEEN SELLING IT TO FRIENDS AROUND TOWN. IS THIS AN IMMORAL THING TO DO?”

A Yeti

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