Ask A yeti

Broken Compass

admin — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:25:44 +0000

Dear Yeti,
i feel like i have hit a wall. It comes in what seems every aspect of my life. I’m a teetering relationship guy, i don’t know if i want a woman or a woman’s comfort. Girls seem to take me for granted yet i’ve been told i too do the same when its a more serious relationship on my part. Continuing off of what i was saying before the other aspect are the roads i want to take in my career. I’m a full time college student (business), yet I’m debating if i want to join the air force to become a jet engine mechanic. On top of that i think maybe i should just change my major to psychology, finding it to be more suitable. All that or just doing what my family has told me I’m also good at; drawing, other forms of expression. Oh believe me and more… I’ve lived by doing what i love and what i think is right but i love a lot of things and these days who knows what’s right you know? just looking for some good places for advice or advice from yourself.

Thank you,
Impatient Me

Dear Impatient Me,

As I am writing this I’m thinking how to craft my response without giving you any real answer. But I just can’t help it. The answer: get an education.

Your relationships with women are still in front of you. You’re unsure about committing to any one partner yet because the right one hasn’t come along yet. Which is probably for the best. You’ll be better off in the long run if you compile a few more crazy girlfriend stories before you hang it all up.

If you’re focused on your career, it means that you take your potential very seriously. Being in business school is probably a good place to start. By the same token, a young man is not doing his part if he’s not chasing the next great adventure. The armed forces are a great way to seek discipline and explore the world. That being said, there’s good roads and bad roads leading into both these sunsets.

Just because some crew cut con artist at the Air Force recruitment center promises he’ll make you a jet mechanic doesn’t mean you are guaranteed anything. Entering the military without a college degree is a total crapshoot. I looked into it. The Army and Navy typically promote foreign born soldiers into their mechanic programs. There could be any number of reasons for this, but as I understand it, it’s a competitive position that you may not get. You could be sewing uniforms or peeling potatoes for 3 years. Sleeping your way through business school could be even worse. You could wake up one day working in the mailroom of some corporation trying to pay back 75K in student loans.

The point I’m trying to make is, it’s not just what you do – it’s how you do it. Get out a sheet or paper and write down your strengths and weaknesses. Think long and hard about what you want to accomplish. Form a plan. Set goals. Meet goals. Be successful.

Many successful business men own their own planes to tinker around on, and I’ve never meet a member of the military with student loans. Any road could be the right road. The world’s your oyster, Impatient. Before you know it you’ll be staring down your middle years and all these decisions will have made you who you are.

A Yeti

Share and Save

A Life of Convenience or Integrity

admin — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 08:41:12 +0000

Dear Yeti,
I converted to Islam in my teenage years. I had previously been for the most part just “spiritual”. I think I was sort of driven to religion by a bunch of colliding pressures in my life at the time, it made sense, Islam seemed to provide a practical solution to all lifes questions. Long story short, I have recently abandoned my religious notions, for a number of reasons… but basically the whole thing has just become counter intuitive. However, for the time being, except for a few close relatives, I am basically a closet case kaffir (disbeliever). In my personal life and world view I have largely adopted a sort of “humanist” view of things. Unfortunately I have really basically structured my life around Islam and it would seem quite impractical to break all of my social relations etc., as would be necessary, indeed required, if I were to unearth and reveal my recent revelations to the world. To make matters worse, I am actually scheduled to enter into a traditional, Islamically arranged marriage (my second on actually, the first didn’t really work out). I am really kind of stuck trying to figure out what to do here… sacrifice my marriage, social life, possibly career opportunities, etc. and come out of the closet, or to bite my tongue, conform to the external requirements of the faith, and sacrifice my own integrity for the sake of convenience?
Any suggestions?

Kurtis Kaffir

Dear KK,

It doesn’t seem like you are at all confused about your situation, only what to do about it. At the risk of sounding dramatic, K.K. you’re at one of life’s big crossroads. How you choose to proceed will impact your life in a non-reversible way. Let’s extrapolate your idea of Integrity vs. Convenience.

How important is the actual faith part of living in an Islamic society? Islam means and requires a total submission and dedication to one god. Its followers are required to follow the teaching and guidance mentioned in the Holy Quran. Maybe the most prudent fact is that Islam offers a complete way of living. If followed in full faith, it promises to bring a total and fulfilling life of peace and brotherhood in this world. This of course means little to you because you are a self described Kaffir and have no faith.

This yeti is not an expert on Islam, but a “kaffir” as I understand it, is someone who knows Islam and rejects it openly. So not every non-believer is a kaffir, but every kaffir is a non-believer. A better translation of kaffir would be disbeliever, instead of non-believer. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter; what does matter is this crisis of faith you’re experiencing and its subsequent ethical dilemma, a life of convenience or a life of integrity.

I question your whole argument here because I see a great deal of “integrity” in the Islamic religion and I see very little “convenience” in going through the motions living as a closeted kaffir. Living life by the laws laid out in the Quran hardly seems convenient to me; praying 5 times a day alone should be a deal breaker for those without faith.

I think this convenience you speak of is the simplicity of continuing your life as planned and not shaking things up with your family and friends. Which brings me to my next point. Where does religion end and culture begin? Can you carry on your life as you did in the past while experiencing a crisis of faith? I believe that you can. There are no rewards for having more faith, and as such you should not be penalized when your faith is at a low point (or non-existent in your case.) By the same token you should be able to question the validity of practices in your religion or culture. I’m speaking of course about your arranged marriage. I think this is the main subject when you speak of convenience or integrity and it has nothing to do with your faith and everything to do with your culture. If it didn’t work before, it’s unlikely to be wedded bliss the second time around.

Some major proponents of organized religion feel that it’s out dated and some even are even convinced that it’s just some archaic way to control the poor. Even if all that is true, most religions are focused on humanity, kindness, charity and all that is good in the human spirit. Let me share with you a story which might illustrate this idea better.

When I was 10 years old my father and I were driving home on a Sunday (not from church; we are not a devoutly religious family), and we passed a broken down car on the side of the road. My father stopped to help the woman and her young son with their car and agreed to drive them into town so they could call a mechanic. After my father inquired about their situation the woman promptly informed us that she was driving to Washington D.C. to speak to the president about how her husband was poisoning her food. What was my father to do in this situation? This woman was clearly having mental problems and was likely endangering her child. So he called the only people who could take in a person in need on a Sunday afternoon, which was the local home for troubled women which was supported by the Catholic church. They took her in gave her and her son shelter and help.

Bottom line: organized religion does get a bad rap in this age of technology, but churches, mosques, and temples all provide physical landmarks to the generosity and kindness that exists in our global society. All major religions be it Islam, Christianity, Buddhism , Judaism, etc.. are all focused on dignity and the brotherhood of man. It’s ok to reject literal interpretations of the ancient scripture if you feel them outdated. Theologians from all faiths are known to discredit dogma when they contradict personal value systems in their own lives. Let’s not make organized religion the boogie man here. Let’s dig deeper.

Author C.S. Lewis has a very interesting window on faith. On the one hand, he couldn’t very well deny the importance of faith because it has been a core component of religion. At the same time, however, his overall goal was to provide a rational explanation that justified acceptance of a higher being on intellectual grounds. This would make faith superfluous. It’s sort of complex but in short, your faith has evolved into what it is today: a strong belief in non-belief. However, faith continues to evolve in many directions. Faith is deeply personal. To answer you honestly, I don’t know what you should do. Only that the answer lies inside of you and it should not be a decision made quickly.

A Yeti

Share and Save

Handsome Andy

admin — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 19:47:45 +0000

Dear Yeti,
I’ve got a problem with this new girl I’m dating. I have spent more money and more time going out with this girl than I’ve ever had with any other girl. I’m used to a little more action at this point I guess is what I’m saying. I’ve always gone out for drinks, then to a girl’s place or mine for sex or something like that. What’s even worse when I do make a move she will push me away and say it’s too soon. I feel our dates have been a waste. I’m ready for a relationship, and like her enough, but I’m not sure how much longer I can go without sex.

Handsome Andy

Dear Handsome Andy,

Are you writing me from some alternate universe where life is like some pornographic beer commercial? Some place where average looking dudes score major points with their offerings of lame jokes and Coors light? Really, you just casually bump into women at your local watering hole and take them home to “score,” regularly? I find this hard to believe but, whatever.

I take that back, women are obviously into you so you’re probably better than average looking. Which I think has led you down an unfortunate path when it comes to the opposite sex. Is it possible that you’re unfamiliar how to actually relate to women?

This girl you are with now probably wants to establish some sort of connection with you before she agrees to tolerate your unskilled love making sessions. Sounds crazy, huh! Don’t be alarmed; this is quite normal. Whatever physical attributes you may possess have conditioned you to think that bypassing any real human romantic emotion is a realistic option. Which has helped you get comfortable with your whole “f*** and run” scheme. I think you’ll find that you’re missing out.

Don’t let this girl go. For you she may be a lot of work, but hard work has its reward. With Valentines Day just around the corner, maybe it’s time to turn down the volume on your whole “player” idea and go for something with a little bit more substance. Most women hate being alone on Valentines Day so you’ve got a slow pitch right over the plate. Be sure to knock it out of the park and you’ll probably get an invite to play the old “in and out game” real soon.

A Yeti

Share and Save

The Road Not Taken

admin — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 08:22:04 +0000

Dear Yeti,
I have been attending school on and off since 1987. I raised my children during this time and took off time on and off for jobs. I have always claimed a major in Psychology in Secondary Education and Special Education. I love working with children but lately I am questioning my choices in Career because when I first started I was going to be a nurse and now I am questioning myself on whether or not I am going for the right thing!! I really want both.

What to do?
JH

Dear JH,

Spoiler alert! Everyone is frustrated with their life. Everyone wants a time machine. Everyone wants a crystal ball. You’re frustrated because something inside of you says you took a wrong time somewhere. Join the club. What may make your situation different is that apparently you have been putting the needs of your family before your own for about a decade and you’re worn out. Maybe it is time for a change but that change is up to you. Pouting and complaining about how my life is not what I have envisioned, and where did I get off track is not going to help you move forward. I lend you the a few lines from Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Less Traveled” - “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. If that really is what you want, then there is no time like the present. You need to regroup, adjust your value system, get organized and follow through on your dreams. Whatever they may be. Anything short of that is going to leave you living in frustration. But what do I know; I live in the woods, I’m covered in fur, and I wipe my ass with pine cones.

A Yeti

Share and Save

Notice Me!

admin — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 19:10:06 +0000

Dear Yeti,
I’m going straight to the point, I like this guy, but he doesnt even know I exist, and I’d really like to go out with him. What do I do for him to notice me? All my friends say I should just talk to him, but should I do that? I just think thats so weird, to just walk up to him and be like “hi, my name is katy” But if I dont do that there will be no other way for him to notice me!
So my question is, is it weird of me to say hi to him? What is some advice about getting the attention of a guy who doesnt really notice you?
Thanks,
Katy

Dear Katy,

Do not run up to this guy and introduce yourself. This could be catastrophic to your self-image and potentially scar you for life. No, instead rush to your nearest video store, strip the place of all Hugh Grant and/or Sandra Bullock movies and observe the ritual of clumsy/romantic introductions. Then plot your next move. How is it that there is not a font yet for sarcasm. I mean come on, look at how useful that would have been here. Katy let me ask you a real question, a hard one. How is it that you are all about him and he hasn’t even noticed you yet?

I ask this for two reasons. First off, is it possible that he is not looking for romantic interests right now? Is it possible he is gay, married, grieving or otherwise off the market. There is only one way to find out: yep, go up and talk to him like any other human being would, which brings me to my next point.

How do you know you want to date him if you don’t even know him? He could be a total d-bag. For all you know he might be way into death metal and scientology or something that turns you off. Your question “What is some advice about getting the attention of a guy who doesnt really notice you” is just plain silly. My answer, next time you are around him wear your underwear out side your clothing smear your mascara like you have been crying all day, and if you do talk speak only in riddles. This is sure to get his attention, but not in the way that you want. The truth is that here are no tricks, techniques to use to get his attention in a sincere way. A girl who introduces herself then just walks away can be a real turn on. Use charm, grace and sincerity as your tools.

By putting him up on a pedestal you are essentially damning any real type of connection you could make with him. If you like him, dig deeper into who you are and tap into what makes you valuable as a friend and maybe a lover. Then introduce yourself. If the conversation goes smoothly then you can peel away the mystery of this guy and find out if there are any sparks between the two of you. But do yourself a favor, leave your assumptions about him behind. It’ll only make your introduction less sincere and more uncomfortable. Also a slimming dress and a few cocktails might even the playing field a little.

A Yeti

Share and Save

Bi-Curious Letter Read Funny

admin — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 21:51:18 +0000

Dear Yeti,
I’m just find out this site and i think u can give some good suggestions to me. i’m a guy studying in matriculation college in my country. Here i got mess up. I’ve crushed to two person here, a girl n a guy. This so make my head turn around 360 degree or just more than that. The girl is my classmate n i just like her as other guy like a girl. but i think the chance for me and her to make up is so small(lots of reasons why i think like that). Then i just wait n see. About the guy, he is my senior n x roommates. I don’t know what actually happen between me n him. but what makes sense is he mad of me as i so want to pampered by him n made he thought me that i was gay. At first i so mad he said i’m a gay. but by time i realized that i really love him(as a lover not a brother). so this all make me think, what actually am i, a straight guy or maybe a gay or just having a bisexuality orientation of sex.In my society being a gay was a taboo. then its made me feelings guilty of loving a guy. but at the same time i’m still having the crush towards the girl( describe early). so what have i supposed to do???

Matrico

Dear Matrico,

In reading your letter I realize that English is not your first language, which is why I am flattered you would take the time to write to a yeti. The community in which you live does not accommodate the homosexual lifestyle and this has you confused about your same-sex romantic urges. The homosexual community is no stranger to persecution. However, that idea is outdated and more and more places are catching up to the global standard of tolerance for all lifestyles. So you say you are a college student with attractions to both men and women?

The funny thing about life is that it often throws you into situations that are beyond your control. It’s important to keep in mind that you only live once (even those who believe in reincarnation agree that focusing on this life is paramount). Denying yourself the opportunity to evolve as a human being can be far more damaging than any persecution you may receive in society. That is, assuming homosexuality is not illegal in your society. Please note the following chart displaying counties that outlaw homosexuality, and those that exercise the death penalty.

Now assuming that you don’t live in any of these countries, which is a likely possibility, let me make this perfectly clear to you. Acting out your homosexual desires is not in any way wrong. The fact that you are confused about the direction your life should take is only proof that you should experiment and collect more life experience so you become more comfortable with who you are.

If you do live in a country which persecutes homosexuals and you wish to exercise your human right to live any lifestyle which you choose, there is a solution, however difficult: move to another country. Historically strong gay and bi-sexual communities have formed all around the globe from the city of Faaa in French Polynesia, to the Castro district in San Francisco. If your gut is telling you to follow society’s standards, it’s good to remember that your gut has shit for brains.

A Yeti

Share and Save

I Think I’m In Love With My Boss

admin — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:20:10 +0000

Dear Yeti,

I think I may be in love with my boss. I have been working at my new job for 3 months now. I begun picking up on subtle romantic undertones from my boss who is in his forties and happily married. One day he asked me if I wanted to go for a ride on his motorcycle, so I went. After that day I got so turned on everytime I am around him. Eventually it happened where we were together alone in our shop and we had the most amazing sex I’ve ever had in my life. After that he told me that what happened was a mistake and that he was really in love with his wife. I’m not the type of girl to get involved with a married man but I can’t stop thinking about him. Plus everyone in our shop says that his wife is a lesbian. I never wanted to be in a situation like this but here I am. I don’t dare lead on that I’m into him as much as I am but it’s starting to interfere with my work. What’s really messing me up is that my boss is almost 20 years older than me. Should I start snooping into his personal life to see if I am missing something about his supposed marriage or should I just back off entirely.

Betty Bop

Dear ABC,

Dear BB

This guy doesn’t happen to be a professional golfer by any chance does he? Why are you using the gossip of coworkers to justify your infidelity with this guy? You need to realize that all that talk about the boss’s wife being a closet lesbian is just hear say. No you can’t use that to validate any future “transgretions” (Shout out to the Tiger Woods legal team for this phrase). Oh and by the way all this dirty laundry about the boss’s gay wife will be peanuts compared to the gossip that will come out if you don’t cool it with this affair. I think what you are really asking me is do I get out of this situation, and how?

First off your poor philandering boss is probably scared he’s going to loose both his business and his wife over his misconduct. It’s probably best to discuss this situation with him one on one before doing anything else. The fact that he has cut off your romantic relationship cold turkey is probably a sign that he does remain a shred of dignity, and wishes to regress into his quasi normal life again. Advise him that you wish to air out all your feelings with him and ask if he has anything to divulge. Should you tell his wife? Yea probably, being open and honest is cathartic and help you add closure to this chapter in you life. However you should put out some feelers on this first. If it’s true that this marriage is a sham and he is nothing but a beard for his wife it may be a valid excuse for putting the breaks on the confession. The truth is that other peoples relationships can be incomprehensible for outsiders and that infidelity and public infidelity can be two different things entirely.

Lastly women who have and act on their “daddy complex” are often easy targets for crafty married men. Try dating unattached men your own age with whom you can relate to.

A Yet

Share and Save

My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend

admin — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:49:11 +0000

Dear Yeti,

My I have been dating this girl for a few months now and I can’t seem to get over the fact that her best friend is another guy. Apparently Angela my girlfriend has been best friends with Glen nearly all her life. Their parents are friends and they grew up together. Glen is straight and has his shit together as far as I can tell which makes me think he has to be into my girlfriend a little bit. I guess he has never done anything that should make me suspicious, and he has warmed up to me as I get to know him more.

I’m totally thrown by this situation and I don’t want to end up looking like a chump. I really like Angela and it’s not a deal breaker at all it’s just weird to have him call when we are hanging out, or drop by her place without calling. What really makes me nuts is when she ditches me to go hang out with him.

What do I do? Should I try to get ahead of this guy in the eyes of my girlfriend or should I just live with it?

Ted?

Dear Ted,

I’m not gonna lie to you Ted; this has romantic comedy written all over it. Jon Favreau could play you, Keanu Reeves will be Glen and Angela will be played by Kate Hudson. I will be the narrator but my voice over will be done by Matthew McConaughey or John Bon Jovi. Maybe M. Night can direct.

Opposite-sex friendships are tricky and can be a direct threat to the relationship only if you let them. The truth is that there is nothing you can do to prevent these two childhood friends from running off together or whatever it is you are fearing in the back of your head. Really the only thing you can do is say or do things that make you seem insecure and untrusting.

Before you get too discouraged, ask yourself this: they have known each other how long and never hooked up? Why is that? Is this guy really a threat? Nothing turns a girl off like a jealous, controlling boyfriend who tries to get in between her and her friends. Remember, it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex and keep your love relationship strong and healthy. With this said, there are some guidelines a platonic relationship should follow:

No secrets allowed! Everyone should know each other and know about the friendship. If anything should change in the friendship, your partner needs to know.

Time spent with the friend should never be more than the time spent with your partner.

Never make your partner feel that he/she isn’t the most important relationship to you. This goes unsaid: the romantic relationship, no matter how new, should be or have the potential to be more intimate than that of your opposite sex friend.

Never put your friend’s needs before your partner’s needs. By making your partner your number-one priority, the mystery surrounding the friendship diminishes, and your partner will more likely view the friend as a real person.

A Yeti

Share and Save

Daddy Swap

admin — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 20:51:46 +0000

Dear Yeti,

I recently found out that I am three months pregnant. The problem is that my boyfriend and I have only been dating for two months. I wish this all was’nt happening because we really do love each other and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him, so is there a way I can make him think the baby is his? I know he will be the best father for the child. Do you think this will work?

Expecting

Dear Expecting,

Yeah, that should work flawlessly, I’m sure, because there is nothing men like to hear more after a two month courtship than “Honey, I’m pregnant with your child.” Yes, that was all sarcasm but I’m asking you, to take a step back and observe the delusion that you have created. This may be a reasonable solution in what ever trailer-park you are writing from but let me say this as clearly as possible, “no you can’t choose yo baby daddy.” Rather you can, you just have to do it before conception. Just because you’re in a good place right now with this new guy doesn’t mean that the baby bomb is going to make things easier. It’s actually more likely to cause a great deal of change in your relationship. This will happen regardless if it’s his child or not. Once you can objectively look at this situation I think you will start to understand what you must do.

First off I assume this idea of motherhood is a new concept for you. You’re probably confused and undoubtedly scared. It should start sinking in that you are growing a new life inside of you and that this little one is your responsibility (along with the genetic father). Try seeing this whole “daddy swap” idea through the baby’s eyes. No child wants to be born into a deceptive mess like you are talking about creating. So this should be your first red light.

Just because you think you have the power to rewind the tape and change who fathered your child doesn’t make it the right thing to do. Most of all, the delusion that this will make your life easier is both selfish and incorrect. If you follow through on this it will backfire on you and will only serve to alienate both the genetic father, the make-believe father, and the child, leaving you all alone. Is this really what you want to happen? Do you really want your life to turn into an episode on the Tyra Banks show?

It should become clear to you now that telling your former lover about his baby and breaking the news to your now boyfriend is the easiest way to go. It will be hard in the beginning, but things will get easier with time and the trust you build with both men will be your reward. Evolution of the modern family is growing without boundaries. Don’t sell yourself short by doing what is easier now and worrying about it for the rest of your life. You will soon be busy with raising your child and these difficulties will seem small in comparison.

A Yeti

Share and Save

The Accidental Bootycall

admin — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 05:52:29 +0000

Dear Yeti,

I have really messed up with this guy I like. I may have turned myself into a booty call in the eyes of a great guy. I’d like to keep my options open and don’t want to be seen simply as a late-night hook-up. Here’s the story…

We met at a bar after he came into my tattoo shop. I really liked him and I think he felt the same. We exchanged numbers but I didn’t hear from him for the typical week or two. He invited me to a few parties. I’d stop by at the end of the night (after going out with my girlfriends) and have a drink or two and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. Nothing serious. Then he invited me to his b-day bash and once again I showed up late… but not as late this time.

Well, That’s when it started. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other! We headed for his bedroom and didn’t leave til the next day. He called the following week to see how I was. He made a few attempts asking me to meet him for a beer or come hang out. But every time he called I already had plans with my girls. So I would tell him I’d call when we got done. Well somehow I turned this great guy into a late night call…. a booty call.It’s not exactly what I wanted but I am not sure if I wanted to jump into a relationship either. How can I just as easily and casually get it back to the regular playing field? I would love to get out of this booty call slump before it is what we become to each other. But I don’t want to stop having sex with him either.

What can I do?
Another Booty Call

Dear ABC,

BBBooooty Call! Really? You missed his whole birthday party by bar hopping with all your friends, pop in late night to drop off his “present.” You’re really worried that he thinks you’re a booty call? You’ve got to be kidding me. If anything he is the booty call.

First off, a booty call for a girl is probably the worst proposition in the dating scene. If you were his booty call you would be writing me about how this guy strikes out at last call with all the “local talent” and comes throwing rocks at your window come 3:00 in the morning. That’s a booty call, and it’s not exactly romantic.

You didn’t want or are not yet emotionally available for a real relationship with this guy or you would have done several of these things differently: blown off your friends instead, arrived on time for his birthday party, etc. I think you have to ask yourself why haven’t you guys gone to a movie or met for coffee? Is it his fault or yours? He has been calling you to see if you’re available.

I think you have been testing this guy out slowly or “trying him on” and you’ve come to the conclusion that he’s a good fit. Now you want to rewind the tape before these late night hook-ups are all you have.

It sounds to me like you have this guy right where you want him. Just make sure you are clear with him that it’s time to do some real dating. He may resist a little as he has been getting the milk for free. You are a great physical match and know enough about him that still interests you. I’m sure he feels the same. If you wanna eventually put this guy in ink, you are going to have to set some boundaries. Try seeing him during the day, and cutting off the sex cold turkey is a must at least until you see the attitude of your relationship changing.

A Yet

Share and Save