Ask A yeti

Daddy Swap

admin — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 20:51:46 +0000

Dear Yeti,

I recently found out that I am three months pregnant. The problem is that my boyfriend and I have only been dating for two months. I wish this all was’nt happening because we really do love each other and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him, so is there a way I can make him think the baby is his? I know he will be the best father for the child. Do you think this will work?

Expecting

Dear Expecting,

Yeah, that should work flawlessly, I’m sure, because there is nothing men like to hear more after a two month courtship than “Honey, I’m pregnant with your child.” Yes, that was all sarcasm but I’m asking you, to take a step back and observe the delusion that you have created. This may be a reasonable solution in what ever trailer-park you are writing from but let me say this as clearly as possible, “no you can’t choose yo baby daddy.” Rather you can, you just have to do it before conception. Just because you’re in a good place right now with this new guy doesn’t mean that the baby bomb is going to make things easier. It’s actually more likely to cause a great deal of change in your relationship. This will happen regardless if it’s his child or not. Once you can objectively look at this situation I think you will start to understand what you must do.

First off I assume this idea of motherhood is a new concept for you. You’re probably confused and undoubtedly scared. It should start sinking in that you are growing a new life inside of you and that this little one is your responsibility (along with the genetic father). Try seeing this whole “daddy swap” idea through the baby’s eyes. No child wants to be born into a deceptive mess like you are talking about creating. So this should be your first red light.

Just because you think you have the power to rewind the tape and change who fathered your child doesn’t make it the right thing to do. Most of all, the delusion that this will make your life easier is both selfish and incorrect. If you follow through on this it will backfire on you and will only serve to alienate both the genetic father, the make-believe father, and the child, leaving you all alone. Is this really what you want to happen? Do you really want your life to turn into an episode on the Tyra Banks show?

It should become clear to you now that telling your former lover about his baby and breaking the news to your now boyfriend is the easiest way to go. It will be hard in the beginning, but things will get easier with time and the trust you build with both men will be your reward. Evolution of the modern family is growing without boundaries. Don’t sell yourself short by doing what is easier now and worrying about it for the rest of your life. You will soon be busy with raising your child and these difficulties will seem small in comparison.

A Yeti

The Accidental Bootycall

admin — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 05:52:29 +0000

Dear Yeti,

I have really messed up with this guy I like. I may have turned myself into a booty call in the eyes of a great guy. I’d like to keep my options open and don’t want to be seen simply as a late-night hook-up. Here’s the story…

We met at a bar after he came into my tattoo shop. I really liked him and I think he felt the same. We exchanged numbers but I didn’t hear from him for the typical week or two. He invited me to a few parties. I’d stop by at the end of the night (after going out with my girlfriends) and have a drink or two and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. Nothing serious. Then he invited me to his b-day bash and once again I showed up late… but not as late this time.

Well, That’s when it started. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other! We headed for his bedroom and didn’t leave til the next day. He called the following week to see how I was. He made a few attempts asking me to meet him for a beer or come hang out. But every time he called I already had plans with my girls. So I would tell him I’d call when we got done. Well somehow I turned this great guy into a late night call…. a booty call.It’s not exactly what I wanted but I am not sure if I wanted to jump into a relationship either. How can I just as easily and casually get it back to the regular playing field? I would love to get out of this booty call slump before it is what we become to each other. But I don’t want to stop having sex with him either.

What can I do?
Another Booty Call

Dear ABC,

BBBooooty Call! Really? You missed his whole birthday party by bar hopping with all your friends, pop in late night to drop off his “present.” You’re really worried that he thinks you’re a booty call? You’ve got to be kidding me. If anything he is the booty call.

First off, a booty call for a girl is probably the worst proposition in the dating scene. If you were his booty call you would be writing me about how this guy strikes out at last call with all the “local talent” and comes throwing rocks at your window come 3:00 in the morning. That’s a booty call, and it’s not exactly romantic.

You didn’t want or are not yet emotionally available for a real relationship with this guy or you would have done several of these things differently: blown off your friends instead, arrived on time for his birthday party, etc. I think you have to ask yourself why haven’t you guys gone to a movie or met for coffee? Is it his fault or yours? He has been calling you to see if you’re available.

I think you have been testing this guy out slowly or “trying him on” and you’ve come to the conclusion that he’s a good fit. Now you want to rewind the tape before these late night hook-ups are all you have.

It sounds to me like you have this guy right where you want him. Just make sure you are clear with him that it’s time to do some real dating. He may resist a little as he has been getting the milk for free. You are a great physical match and know enough about him that still interests you. I’m sure he feels the same. If you wanna eventually put this guy in ink, you are going to have to set some boundaries. Try seeing him during the day, and cutting off the sex cold turkey is a must at least until you see the attitude of your relationship changing.

A Yet

The Closet Bi-Sexual

admin — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 05:24:56 +0000

Dear Yeti,

This may sound wierd to you because its probably never happened before on your website. I am of bisexual orientation which means I experience sexual, emotional, or affectional attractions between both sex’s. I have been really down lately. I started having feeling for this boy about a year ago, and at first i was surprised at the fact that i was feeling anything toward another guy, but eventually I just kind of went with it. I loved him from a distance, because thats all I could do. I was friends with him and someone who hated him and bothered him all the time for being bi. I knew that if I was discovered as a member of the bisexual community then I would share his fate. After a few months, I tried to hook him up with one of my other friends who stalked him obsessivley because I knew that she had a chance with him. At first he didnt want to even look at her, but then he started liking her, and then he became overwhelmed by her. I was so happy until 2 months ago, when she found out about how much I loved him. She felt terrible, she said she was selfish. I told her she wasnt but she didnt believe me. She almost broke up with him because of me, and if his heart would have been crushed, mine would have been too. I got her to agree to stay with him, but only on one condition, I had to tell him how I felt. I became scared. The night after, I told him. He was silent . After a moment he started talking about how he just wanted to stay friends(which is what I wanted him to say). After realizing how hard I fell for him, I cried for maybe 10 minutes. That day. The next day I cried for 20, then an hour. It became so bad that I was crying for 4 hours a day. Suddenly it all took a turn for the worst. He became mad and sad at the same time. He would always accuse me of trying to mess up his relationship with her, and proclaim that she and I were falling in love. It hurt a lot. It hurt for him just to say something like that, to think something like that. That I would ever hurt him. I flew into depression, and I stayed there for a while, maybe a month and a half. During this time ,however, I was placed in therapy. Slowly I was pulled out of the darkness that surrounded me. I was better until about 2 days ago. Hes moving to seattle in 2 months. What do I do?!?!?!

sincerely,
Wildo Wierdo

Dear Wierdo,

First off the yeti is horrible with spelling and grammar, so I have a spell gray squirrel do my spell checking. I wish I could say the same for everyone who writes me. However I post all letters as they are sent to me without any alteration as I feel this is the most honest format for my advice column.

Yes I know what bi-sexual means. The fact that you feel the need to explain it to me makes me wonder how familiar you are with the concept. From reading your letter I get the feeling that your past romantic history has not lent itself to many male lovers. I think that your infatuation with this guy is not only due to your physical attraction but also because is some ways you are envious of his sexuality and his freedom of expression. You are a manipulative asshole who does not deserve this guy, sorry but it’s true.

You clearly set up your girlfriend to date him so you could live vicariously through her and or be privy to private details of their love life. You set them up because you are too insecure to pursue this guy yourself. Now they are together and apparently happy (until you intervened) so back off, you made your bed now lay in it. You are not involved or in control of this relationship just because you believe that you created it. This guy has every right to reject your friendship and your romantic advances. You were manipulative and deceptive even if you can’t see it yourself.

Now let’s briefly venture off into a different direction. The final sentence of your letter is telling me that you are still desperate for this guy, even though he is moving away. He moving away is good thing. You need a fresh start in your life, and this could be a good opportunity. You began your friendship in a deceitful way and he has never returned your affection or shown any interest in forgiving you. Admit to yourself no matter how strong your feelings are for this person you messed up and he is gone.

You need to get in touch with why you created this mess in the first place. Ask yourself what prevented you from coming right out and telling this guy how you felt? What is it about your own sexuality that you are so ashamed about? It’s your insecurity that you really need to overcome before the next Mr. or Mrs. Right comes along. If you are in therapy, please listen to these professionals they can help you with a lot of this stuff. Most of all stop playing puppet master with all your friends, this never goes unpunished.

A Yeti

Wierdo\Weirdo

The Wondering Eye

admin — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 05:59:08 +0000

Dear Yeti,
I have been married for going on two years now. My husband is the apple of my eye. I think about him all day when we are not together. I’m not trying to sound obsessed but I love him a lot. When we go out I sometimes catch him looking at other women. This makes me insane with rage and I can’t say anything to him when I catch him do it. Rather I end up snapping sometime later over a smaller and unrelated incident. What can I do to stop this? Is this his problem, or mine?

Thankx,
Carry

Dear Carry

Congratulations you are a very lucky woman. Wait I may have gotten ahead of myself, I?ll pick up that thought in a minute. Ahh yea how annoying, he?s checking out every hot little thing that walks by. I get the feeling you are catching him do this a lot (or at least you think you are). And you see this as a growing problem. Lets deal with this in three parts: your problem, his problem, and the reality.

You are really into this guy and on some level no matter how small, you are afraid of losing him to another woman. When you see him checking out other women it pinches that nerve of insecurity and makes you ask your self ?why am I not enough for him?? All this adds up to extreme anxiety for you then you act out. Because you are paranoid I assume you also keep a close watch on this guy, always know where he is, monitor credit card and cell phone bills for incriminating evidence (strange hotel charges, long late night calls, exc.) Because you have not mentioned any suspicious of affairs or acts on betrayal it?s safe to say you are really just concerned about him ?looking? at other women. Congratulations you are in a committed relationship with a man who loves you. Take a minute and digest this.

Your husband is subject to forces beyond his control, it?s a cruel trick being played by his DNA from back when we were monkeys. Turn on your TV; I?m sure there will be a documentary on animal breading rituals sometime today. Part of dragging a penis around this pebble of a planet (animal or human) is the carnal need to put it somewhere. Sorry too graphic? Well it?s true, monogamy is a relatively new concept given the 10,000 years or evolution. Any man able to comply with this should be rewarded. This is why he looks, hell he probably even thinks about other women. None of this should worry you so stop being so insecure. If I had any advise on this topic it would be watch out for the guys who aren?t looking. That just isn?t natural and he could be hiding something.

The reality is that he is not acting on his primal urges. It?s just a little peek to satisfy his curiosity. Nothing can make a man more confused than a woman who builds up her anger then explodes on something unrelated. It?s unclear and confusing. Try dealing with your frustration in the moment or just buy him some sunglasses. If this fails to satisfy you can always return the favor by checking out other dudes. I suggest the sleazier the better (your club hopping mechanic, the bartender, the real estate agent who you met with last week that used to be on ?days of our lives?), these kind of guys should be easy to find and they are sure to get you point across.

A yeti

It’s Probably Racial

admin — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 05:58:17 +0000

Dear Yeti,
I am in a three-year relationship with a man from a different race to who I am recently engaged. My family and friends have been nothing but supportive but I am starting to feel pressure from his side. I feel that their culture is so serious and exclusive. Now that things are getting more serious I feel like they are objecting to our possible future together.

It’s not just the family it’s also other people. People in public sometimes give us looks like they are trying to figure what we are doing together. Sometimes I just feel a general disaproval from people I don’t know. Are we doing something wrong? I mean are we making a mistake by pursing a potentially complex interracial marriage?

Scheri,
San Diego, CA

Dear Scheri,

Yes you are absolutely doing something wrong, humans should never, mix races, never. Stop what you are doing and find a guy who looks just like you and pursue a relationship with him. How does that sound? Hmmm wait for it… wait for it…Light bulb! That sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?

You need to ask yourself, what is your attraction to this guy? It’s probably that in addition to his compatibility, his differences bring a new richness to into your life. This is a wonderful thing and not at all something you should be questioning. What you should be questioning is this vibe you’re getting from his friends and family. Please allow me to extrapolate and make few assumptions on your behalf. We are not just talking about the mixing of two races, or two cultures. We’re also talking about the mixing of religions aren’t we?

If we are, lets get something straight. Everyone navigating the challenging waters of monogamy has to learn to compromise. This problem is not unique to your relationship. Stop living in a vacuum and look around. I’m reminded of the Waylon Jennings song “Good hearted woman in love with a good time’n man,” and how the clean freaks I know have all married a closet pig and so on and so on. Being in a relationship and committing to it does not mean overlooking the differences it means adapting to them, no matter how hard it may be. In your case the people in his background were expecting his wife to be similar to them and they defiantly were hoping his wife would become an asset to the family. This can still be done without converting religions or loosing all your integrity. Here are a few examples. If they’re first language is different, than learn it. If they have traditions that are unfamiliar to you, accommodate them.

Look to the future. Should you choose to have children they will need to have one foot planted in both cultures. This is a value system that you and your husband will need to understand if you are ever going to teach them. Like it or not Society will play a role in this as well. Your children will likely go through periods of confusion as they grow up. The stronger your relationship with your future husbands family, the stronger sense of self your children will have. If the newly elected president Barach Obama provides any insight it’s that the cultural climate in the United States is changing and that any reservations you may have socially about your interracial relationship are plain insecurities on your part. I speak from experience I have been in a very rewarding relationship with an abdominal snowwoman for years now and have never looked back.

A Yeti

The Spanish Ginger

admin — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 06:00:28 +0000

Dear Yeti,
I’m 22 and in my last year of college and I’ve had a crush on this guy at my university who is a year younger than me and who is going into his 2nd year; the thing is that I study overseas. We will both be leaving our university and going different countries come next summer but I can help but have a crush on this guy now and it’s been about six weeks.

It started out harmless, I just wanted to be his friend but soon I realized that he was really funny and he’s tall with green eyes and he has red hair which I know most people don’t like but for some reason I am attracted to. I think it’s because I might have thing for Irish boys but this guy is Spanish and speaks English with an accent and that is totally normal here because I’m in Spain but when he does it, it’s cute.

My mom says that I shouldn’t, “shit where I eat,” and I know she is right but it’s to the point where I can’t concentrate when I’m around him and he even makes me feel giddy. I even get excited on the days that I know I’m going to see him at school. Now he is done with class but I have another three weeks. I want to hang out with him and I have made a couple of attempts but one was on a whim and it was late and the metro was closed so he couldn’t come into the city and the second time he got the message too late.

I think he feels more comfortable around me but I always feel lost when it comes to the opposite sex here in Spain, seriously this cultural difference is not so good for my self esteem. I miss my American boys that I can read easily but I can’t help but like this one Spanish guy.

Help! I want to hang out with him and see if he likes me but I’m getting lost in the translation!

Thanx,
Crushin’ on Carrot Top

Dear Crushin’ on Carrot Top,

Ahhhhhhh that’s the sound of thousands of American men sighing in satisfaction at the revelation that women also have it uphill when it comes to romance in the suave European dating pool. Many a college student has returned to the United States with fabricated European love affairs. I am personally responsible a fictitious narrative regarding two French chicks after a Coldplay concert. These stories only serve to perpetuate the myth that hooking up on an oversea adventure is easy. It isn’t, but that shouldn’t prevent you from getting to know this guy. It sounds like you are off to a good start; you’re already on his radar as a friend. All you really have to do now is find the romance button.

Your mom tells you not to shit where you eat… really. Is she a drill sergeant for the Marine Corp? Hmmm well it’s totally understandable that you would fall for the ever-reclusive “Ginger Spaniard”. They are rare and irresistible to say the least. Let me rectify the lousy advise given to you by your mother. You should definitely “ir al cagar donde se come” or shit where you eat. You say you are getting lost in the translation, this can be a good thing. Because english is not his first language communication with you is probably more intense for him. Try easing his Burdon by complementing him on his English, and keeping the conversations simple. In this day and age you almost certainly have common interests: food, music, artists, athletes (try tennis players.) Even more exciting are the things in which you don’t have in common culturally. These can lead to long late night conversations that may lead to a more intimate experience.

If this fails you have probably the most lethal of all dating tools right under your nose. Ask to practice your Spanish with him. How much Spanish you currently speak is irrelevant. If he agrees to help you, you’ll be guaranteed his undivided attention. The great thing about practicing a second language is that is nearly all question asking and response. This allows you to ask him all sorts of personal questions under the guise of a Spanish lesson. How else could you (in the context of normal social behavior) ask him all about his: interests, likes and dislikes, family, love life, exc. This will not only get you more acquainted with each other it will show your interest in his culture which is a must in any international friendship.

A Yeti

College Credit Crunch

admin — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 05:53:33 +0000

Dear Yeti,
I am just about to graduate from college with a degree in finance from Grand Junction Co. I grew up in my mom’s house. She was a single parent and a teacher. Paying for school was difficult. She did all she can to help me through school but I have mostly been on my own since I started school.

In the past 5 years I have amassed a huge amount of credit card debt ever since the first day of my sophomore year when I signed up for a credit card just to get a free t-shirt. Over the last few summers I went and traveled a lot and bought a few too many things. I admit was totally careless with in spending habbits. My balance keeps growing, and my interest is almost $1,500 a year. I feel now that I will never be able to pay it off, plus I want to get married to my girlfriend of two years and she has no Idea what I’ve gotten myself into. What should I do?
Sincerely,
JD

Dear JD,

A degree in finance, really? You’re crazy for going into debt this badly at such a young age. I calculate based on your annual interest (I assume that your APR is extra sucky, between 15%-20%) which puts the over/under of your debt at around $7,000.

Actually, I am being way too rough on you. This problem is really common. There are more and more predatory lenders on college campuses every day. It’s not fair for foolish college students freshly out on their own to be subjected to this temptation. These credit card companies are like wolves to a carcass. Ten years ago you could count on there being several reasonable loan options in college communities but today you really need to read the fine print.

Tell your girlfriend/soon to be fiancée before this goes on any further. You know this is the right thing to do and I don’t have to tell you this. Keep in mind she’s going to find out sooner or later. If you tell her right now she may be more understanding when all your credit checks come back denied on your first apartment and when she sees how small her engagement ring is. Oh, and the real stinger is that she will be marrying you and your debt.

There are a lot of companies right now prepared to loan any and all college students thousands of dollars to spend frivolously. It is their business to get you to borrow money that you can’t pay back immediately. They know this and you don’t. It’s called predatory lending and it should be illegal but it’s not.

It’s the irony of your finance degree that really bothers me about your situation. The solution is obvious: pay it back. Set a goal. Making that minimum payment will not do it. In how many months do you want to pay back this debt? I think between 12 and 18 months is reasonable. Do the math what do you have left in your budget after: taxes, rent, car payments, insurance, and living expenses? Something like $150 a month probably. That’s not enough to pay it back in a reasonable amount of time: translation – “night/weekend job.” Also be creative. Do you know what nickname credit card companies have for people who do pay on time? They call them “dead beats” because they loan them money and never turn a profit. This means that you are a valued customer to their business. Now look at your history with them. Your opening APR was probably something like 9% which jumped up to something like 19% after you missed your first payment. This should also be illegal but the APR is at their discretion. Try calling them up on the phone and demanding as a valued customer that they back off their APR percentage. I’ve heard of this working and it couldn’t hurt.

Someday as a financial advisor (if you are lucky enough) you’ll be in charge of millions of dollars of other people’s money. Experiences like credit card debt help develop a stronger sense of responsibility with other people’s money. Growing up lower middle class in the United States and exposure to clothing, cars, and lifestyles that are just out of your reach can put young adults in situations like this. Work hard; learn your lesson and we won’t read about you being publicly lynched like all these financial advisors in the news every month. It’s this responsibility that they might have learned if they had to endure the humility and agony of getting into Citibank for $5,000 worth of fast food, cd’s and spring break vacations. With this in your rear-view mirror you’ll have a better understanding about the value of a dollar and your clients will thank you for it.

A Yeti

“I Have A Prescription For That”

admin — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 06:12:26 +0000

Dear Yeti,

I bring upon you a new Dilemma. I have recently been prescribed medical marijuana to take care of my back pain. Only the pain has ceased, just a couple months ago. I have not told my doctor, and I continue to recieve the dope. I never was a heavy smoker, so I have been selling it to friends around town. Is this an immoral thing to do? I mean it’s free for me, and if I don’t supply it, my friends will just spend more money else where. A guilty conscience has been following me around, and this monkey on my back is killing me. Plus what is the penalty for getting caught? Thanks for your time.
Your Friend,
Cam

Dear Cam,

I will suspend my disbelief in the validity of your letter because medical marijuana is an interesting and rapidly changing topic.

A Quick History of medical marijuana:
Marijuana has been legal in California since prop 215 passed by an overwhelming margin in 1996. The federal government does not recognize the legal right to distribute medical marajuana and continues to use the controlled substance act to prosecute distribution centers. Today medical marijuana is legally being prescribed in 13 states in the US and in Europe and Canada. The laws vary in flexibility from state to state in the US, and new states are legalizing medical marIjuana every year. For instance, in Oregon it is legal to have 24ozs in possession and up to 24 plants in the ground as compared to Montana which allows 1oz and 6 plants.

So you are telling me you are having reservations (morally) about your new plan of reselling your legally prescribed marijuana to your friends, and you are further asking about the legal ramifications should you be caught. I am not a lawyer and as such I have no interest in advising you of your legal rights regarding the redistribution of medical marajuana. In some states the penalty is as small as a traffic ticket. In other more stricter states you might be processed at the police station and have to go to court on a misdemeanor charge. The best reference for regional marijuana laws can be found www.norml.org. This being said you should know the cultural climate in the United States is changing. Just look at the evendence; things like medical marijuana vending machines are now availible in California. The laws are becoming less stringent, but it is still an illegal substance.

…Now it’s time to address the question that you did not mean to ask but did.

“I NEVER WAS A HEAVY SMOKER, SO I HAVE BEEN SELLING IT TO FRIENDS AROUND TOWN. IS THIS AN IMMORAL THING TO DO?”

Are you really asking me if smoking and selling illegal drugs is immoral; by that I mean, are you really conflicted if these acts are contrary to divine law set forth by God? I don’t think you do. I think by immoral you really meant unethical or wrong. There is nothing in the ten comandments that suggests that smoking or selling contraband substances are immoral. I think it’s time to dig deeper on this moral dileuma, Cameron. Let me share with you a story. Steph Green was a successful corporate events planner in San Diego. Because of a severe neck injury she was forced to use liberal amounts of ibuprofin and pain killers to relieve her daily anguish. After two years of this regimen of prescription pills, her kidneys began to fail. She was six months away from dialysis before doctors then prescribed her medical marijuana. Steph found temporary relief from her pain as she began to use marijuana – so much so that she moved from San Diego to San Francisco where she could be closer to the legal dispensaries. All seemed well until federal agents began to raid and shut down the legal dispensaries. People like Steph find difficulty getting the help they need because the line between legal medical marijuana users and the recreational users is being blurred by people such as yourself. Further extrapolated, you are morally wrong by helping to condition the government into believing that medical marijuana is an excuse by recreational users to beat the system and directly preventing people who are living with chronic pain from getting the help they need. Yes, what you are doing is both immoral and illegal. Quit being a selfish asshole and knock it off.

The federal government needs to reclassify or decriminalize medical marijuana; people that need it should be able to get it safely and easily.

A Yeti

Two’s Company, Four is a Crowd

admin — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 16:57:43 +0000

Dear Yeti,

I For a while now my circle of friends has consisted of myself, Becca, and Alexa. Everything was going fine until I brought a guy into the group, Kevin. I liked him, but all of a sudden Becca and Alexa started liking him. Kevin and Becca grew feelings for each other and went behind my back to hang out. Alexa started going crazy and yelling at everyone.

Now I find out that Becca and Kevin have been keeping things from me, but I can’t seem to yell at them or stay mad at them. Becca told me he was keeping her from cutting again, and Kevin is so depressed that he can’t go out with her. But I know if they went out, everything would change and I would no longer be the best friend. I don’t mind putting myself second, but they won’t go out for me and I feel like I’m in the way. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could just stay mad at them.

Sincerely,
Morally Pissed Off:/

Dear MPO,

Part of providing an informed response (to questions asked by strangers) is the need to play detective. Hidden in the context of every letter are clues to the condition and state of mind of the writer. This information provides context to the situation at hand. This has never been as important in my short history of writing an advice blog as it is with your letter. One thing for sure is that my heart goes out to you and I’m suspicious that you are a very special and wonderful person who is trapped in the inner workings of an adolescent love triangle. This will probably in someway shape your future, immediate and distant, although the catch is that you won’t realize it until you are more seasoned in the art of love. All I can do is try and guide you with insight from my distant perspective, on the human condition.

I put you at about 14 years old but I am hoping that you are a little more in the 15-16 range. I am also making assumptions on your regional and economic situations but I am keeping them to myself. I also think that you are very impressionable and I should point out that I am a Yeti and not a licensed therapist, therefore, you should also run this dilemma by your family and other people you trust.

Why did you bring Kevin into your group? I know for a fact that you just met him. Why did you introduce him to your circle of friends, and not keep your friendship “romantic or not” just between he and you. Don’t know? Here’s the answer. You are celebrating your own insecurity and you are hoping that some guy will walk into your life who is willing to fill the void and treat you like you’re special. Here is the problem that you can’t and probably will never understand. All (most) teenage boys are hormonally unstable sociopaths whose lives are peppered with bouts of narcissism and selfishness. Pair that with a 24-7 erection and it’s not a cocktail for love or friendship. Whether you realize it or not, Kevin used you (a lot or just a little) to meet your friends (Becca) in an attempt to further widen his circle of romantic options. This shouldn’t upset you at all, in fact it’s very normal and you should feel the opportunity to meet some of his friends in hopes of making a romantic connection with a same-minded person. By the way, you may find interesting the history of the word narcissistic: The term is derived from the Greek myth of Narcissus. Narcissus was a handsome Greek youth who rejected the desperate advances of the nymph Echo. His punishment was to be cursed to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to consummate his love, Narcissus pined away and changed into the flower that bears his name, the narcissus.

I know you met Kevin first and I’m sure he’s a real dream-boat based on the fact that all three of you are interested in him. But you should know that the fact that you and Alexa are into him is only serving two purposes, none of which is in your favor. First off it’s padding the ego of both Kevin and Becca which will only strain the friendship you and she have. Lastly it’s reinforcing your own insecurities that Kevin picked her over you. Who knows why Kevin chose Becca?

If you were to see Kevin 20 years from now, I promise you he’ll have half the hair and weigh twice as much. Translation: he’ll be less dynamic physically and you’ll only care about friendship and the connection that you have. Which is why you should support the romance between your two friends and stop worrying that he didn’t sweep you off your feet. Again it’s not that you’re not pretty or funny or cool enough; it’s just he made a connection with Becca. I can not stress that enough. This is important to remember in conjunction with my next piece of advice.

You say that they have been “keeping things from you.” What things? Their romance? Or other things that are your business? When you say I can’t stay mad at them; what does that mean? Like I said before you shouldn’t be mad at them; they are your friends (especially Becca) and they haven’t done anything wrong. The phrase I can’t stay mad at them is something a doormat would say. I warn you; don’t let your insecurities overwhelm you, and you do have insecurities; everyone does. Take some time and remember what makes you great and refresh your memory on what you have to offer and I promise you this problem will resolve itself.

A Yeti

I Assume Your Race Has Rat Problems

admin — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 15:56:45 +0000

Dear Yeti,

I have an extreme problem with mice in my house. I hate mice they totaly creep me out and I’ve got to do something about it. My house is kind of old and I’m sure the mice were there before I bought the place but I think they are multiplying every day. I want to finish the basement but I’m not even gonna bother if I can’t keep the mice from coming in, any way it’s really becoming a problem.

I have called exterminators and friends, tried mousetraps and sticky pads, but nothing can get rid of them. I’m impartial hoI was wondering, with you being a yeti and all, if you had any experience with this kind of thing. I am sorry if I am stereotyping yeti’s but I assumed your race has a lot of rat and mice problems.

Your Friend,
Cameron

Dear Cameron,

Before I respond to your ridiculous question, I want to address the last two sentences in your letter. At the risk of writing two racial comentaries in the same month, not only are we different races but different species. Thankfully, because I don’t want to be associated with you in any way should you ever decide to ask someone else if their racial background can provide you information on your rat problem. I’m a little bit offended. That’s like saying hey, since you are Native American, you must know the best way to smoke buffalo meat.

So you say you have called a professional exterminator, and employed both a mouse-trap and a sticky pad campaign, none of which were satisfactory. Your question is complete bull-shit but it’s a slow week and I will answer it anyway. When you called the exterminator, what did you talk about? Did you talk about his wife’s new scrapbooking projects? Did you break down the pros and cons of last weeks’ boat show? Or did you guys talk about your rodent problem. I say this because any decent exterminator is going to have 1.) a long term/short term solution 2.) an explanation of why your house/apartment is now a rat hotel. 3.) a guarantee of some sort to solve this dilemma. I suspect that you did call, you found out how much it’s going to cost to stare at Earl’s butt crack all Saturday and said forget it. So let it be said that like most problems, the easiest way to solve rodent infestation is to throw money at it. In this case, hire an exterminator who will diagnose and solve your problem.

With that said, I have decided to venture off of the world wide web for a solution, get 3 different voices on this matter and seek to provide you, Cameron, with a cost friendly solution to your problem.

Mauro Maldonado, an 8 year old who is way too serious about karate. Mauro: You should buy a python, Yeti: Not a cat? Mauro: and a cat. Yeti: Won’t the python eat the cat? Mauro: No, they are friends.

Mirabelle Frances, A horse trainer in the mid-west:” I love it when the butterflies all come into my yard towards the end of the summer. It’s a magical time of year for us, but it is usually interrupted by the Iowa State Fair and after that. Then it starts to get cold out; that’s when I find out how many mice are in the fields and how many come into the house for food. It’s really only one or two mice in the house at any time and they are always easy to catch.

Do not even bother looking for holes in the exterior of your house. Mice can crawl through a ¼” hole and can usually chew open a gap that size in the matter of a few hours. She tells me that in her experience really the best way to keep out the mice is with a few cats roaming the house. She always uses peanut butter in the traps because it has to be licked off and can’t be stolen like cheese and she cleans the traps before they start to smell. She also advises that if the mice are big enough they can wiggle out of the traps. If this keeps happening just put a razorblade on the end or it like a guillotine. I advised Mirabelle that this may be a bit to aggressive or graphic for my readers. Mirabelle’s response was “then start learning to share your breakfast cereal.” Cameron you may want to look on line for more farm tips on mice eradication.

But like most things, my father says it best. He says “Well, better get yourself a better mouse trap.”

A Yeti