I am fresh out! In 2014, I broke up with my 12 year boyfriend, and now I have met a man that has broken out up a 20 year marriage. We are dating, and I like him, but I still am mentally, emotionally, and physically attracted to my 14 year crush. When I climax I think of him, and when I close my eyes and kiss my now boyfriend I think of him. I try to push my married crush out of my mind, yet he keeps resurfacing to the point that I secretly indulge my desire by calling his name in my mind while being pleased by new boyfriend just as I used to do with 12 yr boyfriend.. ADVISE PLEASE!, Jada
What intrigues me the most about your story is the time you have spent with these men. I mean, twelve years is nothing to scoff at but it seems like this guy is a distant memory. You have a new man in your life, one that just left a twenty-year marriage presumably to be with you. I’ll tell you something you don’t want to hear. Those are the only two relationships in your life, those are the only two men that should matter.
This “crush” you speak of is some kind of ghost that live in your mind. He enters your life during moments of passion and it may seem like you have a romantic relationship with him, but you do not. Which begs the question if you have known him longer than anyone else in this story, why are you not together. Is it because the timing is wrong? Is it because of other external pressures? It could be but what I’m really sensing here is that you have never taken your shot with him and because of this you have created a fantasy.
What I’m about to tell you may be shocking but… keep the dream alive. Let me be clear though, keep the DREAM alive, just the dream and not the reality. The reality is that this man is committed to another and the fantasy is anything you make it. Fantasies are very cathartic and usually hurt no one. Keep your fantasy but recognize that its just a fantasy. Here’s a dose of reality that is not so “fantastic”. This man you are in a relationship with now would probably find it “crushng” (pun intended) that you think of another man during intimacy. Think of his feelings before you consider blending the lines of reality and fantasy. Also, if you were to convince your crush to somehow break his marital vows and be with you, be it relationship or sex, you would undoubtedly be disappointed. Nothing on earth can compete with a well crafted fantasy of 14 years. Nothing will be as satisfying or fulfilling as the personal narrative of romance and passion that you have created in your mind, nothing.
My advise to you be respectful with all the men in your life, you are with them for a reason. Live in this place and time and love them as they love you. Stop placing so much value in the fantasies you create. Fantasies are not real, and that’s what makes them so great. Use your fantasies as they are intended, allow them to comfort you in times of difficulty or use them to heighten moments of romantic Ecstasy. You will find peace once you stop trying to merge fantasies with reality, they are different for a reason.