I For a while now my circle of friends has consisted of myself, Becca, and Alexa. Everything was going fine until I brought a guy into the group, Kevin. I liked him, but all of a sudden Becca and Alexa started liking him. Kevin and Becca grew feelings for each other and went behind my back to hang out. Alexa started going crazy and yelling at everyone.
Now I find out that Becca and Kevin have been keeping things from me, but I can't seem to yell at them or stay mad at them. Becca told me he was keeping her from cutting again, and Kevin is so depressed that he can't go out with her. But I know if they went out, everything would change and I would no longer be the best friend. I don't mind putting myself second, but they won't go out for me and I feel like I'm in the way. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just stay mad at them.
Morally Pissed Off:/
Part of providing an informed response (to questions asked by strangers) is the need to play detective. Hidden in the context of every letter are clues to the condition and state of mind of the writer. This information provides context to the situation at hand. This has never been as important in my short history of writing an advice blog as it is with your letter. One thing for sure is that my heart goes out to you and I’m suspicious that you are a very special and wonderful person who is trapped in the inner workings of an adolescent love triangle. This will probably in someway shape your future, immediate and distant, although the catch is that you won’t realize it until you are more seasoned in the art of love. All I can do is try and guide you with insight from my distant perspective, on the human condition.
I put you at about 14 years old but I am hoping that you are a little more in the 15-16 range. I am also making assumptions on your regional and economic situations but I am keeping them to myself. I also think that you are very impressionable and I should point out that I am a Yeti and not a licensed therapist, therefore, you should also run this dilemma by your family and other people you trust.
Why did you bring Kevin into your group? I know for a fact that you just met him. Why did you introduce him to your circle of friends, and not keep your friendship “romantic or not” just between he and you. Don’t know? Here’s the answer. You are celebrating your own insecurity and you are hoping that some guy will walk into your life who is willing to fill the void and treat you like you’re special. Here is the problem that you can’t and probably will never understand. All (most) teenage boys are hormonally unstable sociopaths whose lives are peppered with bouts of narcissism and selfishness. Pair that with a 24-7 erection and it’s not a cocktail for love or friendship. Whether you realize it or not, Kevin used you (a lot or just a little) to meet your friends (Becca) in an attempt to further widen his circle of romantic options. This shouldn’t upset you at all, in fact it’s very normal and you should feel the opportunity to meet some of his friends in hopes of making a romantic connection with a same-minded person. By the way, you may find interesting the history of the word narcissistic: The term is derived from the Greek myth of Narcissus. Narcissus was a handsome Greek youth who rejected the desperate advances of the nymph Echo. His punishment was to be cursed to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to consummate his love, Narcissus pined away and changed into the flower that bears his name, the narcissus.
I know you met Kevin first and I’m sure he’s a real dream-boat based on the fact that all three of you are interested in him. But you should know that the fact that you and Alexa are into him is only serving two purposes, none of which is in your favor. First off it’s padding the ego of both Kevin and Becca which will only strain the friendship you and she have. Lastly it’s reinforcing your own insecurities that Kevin picked her over you. Who knows why Kevin chose Becca?
If you were to see Kevin 20 years from now, I promise you he’ll have half the hair and weigh twice as much. Translation: he’ll be less dynamic physically and you’ll only care about friendship and the connection that you have. Which is why you should support the romance between your two friends and stop worrying that he didn’t sweep you off your feet. Again it’s not that you’re not pretty or funny or cool enough; it’s just he made a connection with Becca. I can not stress that enough. This is important to remember in conjunction with my next piece of advice.
You say that they have been “keeping things from you.” What things? Their romance? Or other things that are your business? When you say I can’t stay mad at them; what does that mean? Like I said before you shouldn’t be mad at them; they are your friends (especially Becca) and they haven’t done anything wrong. The phrase I can’t stay mad at them is something a doormat would say. I warn you; don’t let your insecurities overwhelm you, and you do have insecurities; everyone does. Take some time and remember what makes you great and refresh your memory on what you have to offer and I promise you this problem will resolve itself.